By Ezra Stead

Every year, I struggle with the relatively arbitrary process of ranking movies, so this year I’ve decided to do something a little different. Instead of a traditional Top Ten list, I’m grouping two thematically connected films together for each place on the list, resulting in a hopefully more interesting Top 20 list. I’ve also included a more traditional Top Ten below that, for all you “too long, didn’t read” folks. One final note before we get to the list: it should tell you a lot about my credibility as a film critic that I liked Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa more than most of the Academy Award Best Picture nominees for 2013.

10. THE WICKER MAN: FINAL CUT / JURASSIC PARK 3-D - BEST RE-RELEASES. Obviously, this category doesn’t really count, as both of these films were originally released decades ago, but I can’t deny that each of them provided one of the most enjoyable experiences I had in a movie theater in 2013. This new cut of the original 1973 classic The Wicker Man adds some nuance and more musical numbers to an already great film. Most crucially, it opens with a scene of Sergeant Howie (Edward Woodward) praying in church, emphasizing his piousness from the very start, which enriches the events to follow. Jurassic Park, on the other hand, is quite simply my favorite movie (it has the most dinosaurs in it – I rest my case), and seeing it on a big screen again, in 3-D no less, made me fall in love with it all over again. 

9. THE WIND RISES / BEHIND THE CANDELABRA - BEST FAREWELL FILMS. This category came very close to simply being called “Farewell, Mr. Soderbergh,” as his final theatrical release, Side Effects, is a nasty, fun thriller that could have easily made my list. However, the great Hayao Miyazaki (Spirited Away, Princess Mononoke, My Neighbor Totoro) also released his final film in 2013, and I felt the need to recognize it as well. The Wind Rises is a very personal film about a young aircraft designer finding love and professional fulfillment in pre-WWII Japan, but above all it is about the power of dreams. Steven Soderbergh’s Behind the Candelabra is a delightfully decadent look at the life of Liberace, brilliantly played by Michael Douglas in one of his very best performances. It seems more likely that Miyazaki’s retirement will stick, given his advanced age, whereas it is to be hoped that Soderbergh will pull a Jay-Z/Michael Jordan and come back in a year or two. Even if both filmmakers do remain out of the game, though, at least they’ve both left us with solid final works.

8. MANIAC / JOHN DIES AT THE END - BEST HORROR MOVIES. Elijah Wood gives a wonderfully creepy performance as the central character of Maniac, a rare remake that lives up to (and maybe even surpasses) the original. This is true horror in the grand tradition of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer, a film that is more unsettling than merely entertaining. John Dies at the End is the exact opposite type of horror film, a wild, imaginative joyride with plenty of laughs to offset the gore. You only have to watch the first ten minutes to witness some of the best practical effects in years, but if you’re not completely hooked by then, this isn’t the movie for you.

7. CAPTAIN PHILLIPS / 12 YEARS A SLAVE - BEST OSCAR MOVIES (that aren’t The Wolf of Wall Street). The true story/Oscar prestige isn’t the only thing these two films have in common. More than that, they are both consummately engaging portraits of an ordeal. The ordeal suffered by Captain Richard Phillips (Tom Hanks) is, of course, not nearly as long or harrowing as that of Solomon Northup (Chiwetel Ejiofor) in 12 Years a Slave, but both films strive admirably to create empathy for both sides of the equation. In Paul Greengrass’ Captain Phillips, we are made distinctly aware of the lack of options available to the film’s Somali pirates, led by Muse (Barkhad Abdi, in one of the year’s best performances). In Steve McQueen’s 12 Years a Slave, we clearly see the ways in which the institution of slavery dehumanizes the slave-owners as well as the slaves themselves. This is most clearly shown in the benevolent but cowardly Ford (Benedict Cumberbatch), as well as the less sympathetic (but certainly pathetic) Epps (Michael Fassbender).

6. ENOUGH SAID / JACKASS PRESENTS: BAD GRANDPA - BEST COMEDIES (that aren’t The Wolf of Wall Street). Enough Said, like most of writer-director Nicole Holofcener‘s films, is a movie I feel like I should hate, because she makes films about the relatively insignificant problems of wealthy, privileged white people. Truth be told, I probably would like it a lot less if not for the late, great James Gandolfini’s remarkably warm and lovable performance. Coupled with equally great work from Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Catherine Keener, this is the best romantic comedy of the year. Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa is sort of the polar opposite, though it is rather sweet and touching in its own twisted way. His appearance heavily altered by excellent prosthetic make-up, Johnny Knoxville plays Irving Zisman, the ultimate dirty old man, who embarks on a road trip with his grandson, Billy (the superb child actor Jackson Nicoll). Their subsequent raunchy shenanigans are captured by hidden cameras in real-life situations, a la Borat, the other Jackass movies, and 2013′s worst film, as described below.

5. 56 UP / BEFORE MIDNIGHT – BEST SEQUELS. Sequels get a bad rap, generally, but I think most critics would agree that these two are less of the more common cash-in variety, and more of the “latest installment in a project larger than the sum of its parts.” 56 Up is the newest film in a project that spans decades, and which is truly one of the most amazing achievements in cinema history. Beginning with Seven Up! in 1964, the Up series has followed the lives of several London children all the way through their adulthood, checking in on them every seven years. They are now 56 years old, and it’s very strange and wonderful to reflect that I have watched a bunch of people who are nearly 30 years older than me grow up. Before Midnight continues a similarly intimate exploration of two fictional characters, Jesse (Ethan Hawke) and Celine (Julie Delpy), who have navigated a nearly 30-year romance that began as a one-night stand in Before Sunrise (1995). Director Richard Linklater co-wrote all three films (which also includes 2004′s Before Sunset) with the actors, and this may be the trio’s best work yet, a film that explores the hard, bitter truths of the very long-term relationship.

4. THE ACT OF KILLING / STORIES WE TELL - BEST “TRUE STORIES.” The reason that phrase appears in quotation marks is that what each of these films accomplishes is a thorough and insightful examination of what exactly a true story is, and how that changes based on who is telling it. Joshua Oppenheimer’s The Act of Killing explores the dark side of this question, allowing the mass murdering “heroes” to tell their own story by re-enacting their war crimes for the camera. Sarah Polley‘s Stories We Tell is a much lighter and more personal take on the question, as the gifted filmmaker searches for the truth of her own family heritage. What could have been a pointless exercise in narcissism instead becomes a universal, moving and very funny film in Polley’s capable hands.

3. THE BLING RING / PAIN & GAIN - BEST “AMERICAN DREAM” MOVIES, PART 1. “Let’s go shopping!” “You know who invented salad? Poor people!” “Look at my shit!” “Sell me this pen!” These are the quotes that define America in 2013. What all four of these films have in common is drugs, sex and money, but above all, excess. What sets Sofia Coppola’s The Bling Ring apart is its exploration of our obsession with celebrity culture, and all the fashion and status that goes with it. I have yet to see her second most recent film, Somewhere, but I am otherwise confident in saying this is my favorite Sofia Coppola film to date. I am even more confident in saying that Pain & Gain is my favorite Michael Bay film. What sets it apart from the other three films in this two-part category is the way it addresses our culture’s obsession with physical perfection. What it has in common with the other three is an extremely strong “supporting” performance that at least threatens to become the true star of the movie. In The Bling Ring, it is Emma Watson as the self-aggrandizing “innocent,” Nicki; in Spring Breakers, it is James Franco as Alien; in The Wolf of Wall Street, it is Jonah Hill as Donnie, his best performance yet; and Pain & Gain, of course, has Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson in a gloriously entertaining turn as Paul Doyle, the conflicted, coke-loving born-again Christian whose actions prompt the film’s greatest moment, when it breaks the fourth wall to remind the viewer that this is, indeed, a true story.

2. SPRING BREAKERS / THE WOLF OF WALL STREET - BEST “AMERICAN DREAM” MOVIES, PART 2. Harmony Korine’s Spring Breakers is a revelation, a beautiful, trashy, and consummately entertaining blend of self-absorbed depravity and high art anchored by a career-best performance from James Franco. This is the rare film that manages the delicate balancing act of apparent contempt for and extreme empathy with its characters, and Franco’s Alien is one of the most indelible and fascinating cinematic creations of the past few years. Much as I love Spring Breakers, the one film that takes the cake for pure American excess is Martin Scorsese’s The Wolf of Wall Street, which is quite possibly his best film since Goodfellas, and easily his funniest since The King of Comedy (and probably his funniest ever). I was not expecting this movie to be gut-bustingly hilarious from start to finish, but I was pleasantly surprised, and stars Leonardo DiCaprio and Jonah Hill have never been better. This film has apparently pissed some people off, and understandably so because it unabashedly glamorizes the lifestyle of complete scumbags, but I found it impossible not to have a supremely good time watching it.

1. ESCAPE FROM TOMORROW / UPSTREAM COLOR - MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE MOVIES OF THE YEAR. In a way, Randy Moore’s Escape from Tomorrow was a victim of its own hype. One of the most talked-about films at Sundance because of its status as an event that would probably never be seen again, it eventually opened to middling reviews and poor box office. Taken apart from its notoriously surreptitious production (it was secretly shot at Disney World without permission), the consensus seems to be that the film itself is, at best, an interesting failure, but I disagree. By turns funny and deeply unsettling, it is a wildly inventive dark fantasy that wears its influences (Terry Gilliam, David Lynch, and of course Walt Disney films) on its sleeve, but also manages to feel strikingly original, and it taps into something very disturbing about the male psyche. The best way I can summarize the plot of Escape from Tomorrow is that it’s like The Shining, on acid, at Disney World, and nothing about that is less than awesome. Upstream Color, on the other hand, is truly in a league of its own when it comes to originality and vision. Shane Carruth’s long-awaited follow-up to his 2004 time travel film, Primer, cements his place as the most exciting new filmmaker of this century. Upstream Color is an endlessly fascinating, disturbing and beautiful film that, more than any other movie I saw in 2013, rewards repeat viewings. You can read my full review here, but only after experiencing the film for yourself at least once.

As promised, here is a more traditional Top Ten list, with a slightly different order, just to emphasize the absurdity of ranking movies in the first place:

1. UPSTREAM COLOR

2. ESCAPE FROM TOMORROW

3. THE WOLF OF WALL STREET

4. SPRING BREAKERS

5. PAIN & GAIN

6. STORIES WE TELL

7. BEFORE MIDNIGHT

8. JACKASS PRESENTS: BAD GRANDPA

9. 12 YEARS A SLAVE

10. THE BLING RING

WORST MOVIE OF THE YEAR: INAPPROPRIATE COMEDY – I used all caps in the header, so you can’t tell that this movie’s title is actually spelled InAPPropriate Comedy, because its central premise is that all of its terrible recurring sketches are apps on a mobile device viewed from beneath a subway grate over which Lindsay Lohan is apparently standing for about 80 minutes, for no other reason than the fact that she looks nothing like Marilyn Monroe. That is far from the stupidest thing about this abysmal film from ShamWow pitchman Vince Offer. The only slightly funny sketch in the whole movie involves a large, intimidating man offering discounted coathanger abortions at a clinic. This is part of a recurring sketch called “Blackass,” whose entire conception is based on the idea “What if Jackass was a bunch of black guys instead of a bunch of white guys?” So they do “hilariously” stereotypical things like evading police and jousting with giant fake dicks in a parking lot. The rest of the movie is basically just gay panic jokes (Adrien Brody slums it up as “Flirty Harry,” a renegade cop whose every line of dialogue is gay sex innuendo) and “ironic” racism (co-writer Ari Shaffir does a recurring sketch as “The Amazing Racist,” in which his actual, horrible real-life personality is completely indistinguishable from the “character” he’s playing). Truly dire, unfunny stuff, folks.

MOST OVERRATED: GRAVITY - Visually and technically, this movie deserves all the acclaim it’s gotten, and that opening long-take is undeniably thrilling. It’s just that film’s story and characters never really live up to the promise of its substantial technical achievements. To put it another way, Gravity is amazing to look at, but not all that great to listen to. Alfonso Cuaron is a master filmmaker, as he previously proved with great films like Y Tu Mama Tambien and Children of Men. Unfortunately, he struck out on the script this time, and the result for me was that I was never really engaged beyond the eye candy.

MOST UNDERRATED: MOVIE 43 - This was considered the worst sketch comedy of the year by a lot of critics who must not have seen InAPPropriate Comedy, and I’m not saying it’s great, but compared to that movie, it’s practically Citizen Kane. A pet project of Peter Farrelly (Dumb and Dumber, There’s Something About Mary), Movie 43 certainly has its share of misses (Brett Ratner’s predictably misogynistic entry is especially a low point), and of course it’s pretty juvenile (as evidenced by the first sketch, in which Hugh Jackman has a scrotum growing out of his chin), but is has it’s fair share of hits, too. This sketch in particular is pretty great, as is this one in which Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts strive to give their home-schooled son a normal public school experience. Perhaps it’s just a result of my low expectations, but I can’t deny that Movie 43 made me laugh.

PLEASANT SURPRISE: THE CALL - This is a highly underrated and surprisingly tense thriller from Brad Anderson, director of the excellent Session 9 and The Machinist. Halle Berry stars as an emergency call operator who gets personally involved in the kidnapping and imminent murder of 911 caller Abigail Breslin and, though the film’s third act might prove too brutal and nasty for some, I found The Call to be a very interesting and enjoyable movie.

BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT: ONLY GOD FORGIVES - No one loved Drive more than me, so despite the mostly negative early reviews, I had pretty high hopes for the second collaboration between director Nicolas Winding Refn and star Ryan Gosling. Unfortunately, while Only God Forgives has much of the same gorgeous cinematography, brooding atmosphere and stylish, visceral violence as Drive, what it’s lacking is the most important thing: any reason whatsoever to care. The characters are basically all repugnant and, worse, boring, and the plodding, pointless story goes nowhere. This was the most frustrating movie of 2013 for me, because there’s a lot of talent on both sides of the camera, in service of absolutely nothing.

Ezra Stead is the Head Editor for MoviesIDidn’tGet.com. Ezra is also a screenwriter, actor, filmmaker, rapper, and aspiring stand-up comic who has been previously published in print and online, as well as writing, directing and acting in numerous short films and two features. A Minneapolis native, Ezra currently lives in New York City.

For more information, please contact EzraStead@MoviesIDidntGet.com.

By Jason A. Hill & Ezra Stead

Best Picture

Jason’s Prediction:  The Wolf of Wall Street

Jason’s Favorite: 12 Years a Slave

Ezra’s Prediction: 12 Years a Slave

Ezra’s Favorite: The Wolf of Wall Street

Best Directing

Jason’s Prediction:  Steve McQueen

Jason’s Favorite:  Steve McQueen

Ezra’s Prediction: Alfonso Cuaron / Steve McQueen

Ezra’s Favorite: Steve McQueen

Best Actor in a Leading Role

Jason’s Prediction:  Chiwetel Ejiofor / Leonardo DiCaprio

Jason’s Favorite: Chiwetel Ejiofor

Ezra’s Prediction: Matthew McConaughey / Chiwetel Ejiofor

Ezra’s Favorite: Chiwetel Ejiofor

Best Actress in a Leading Role

Jason’s Prediction:  Cate Blanchett

Jason’s Favorite: Amy Adams

Ezra’s Prediction: Cate Blanchett

Ezra’s Favorite: Amy Adams

Best Actor in a Supporting Role

Jason’s Prediction:  Michael Fassbender

Jason’s Favorite: Jonah Hill

Ezra’s Prediction: Jared Leto

Ezra’s Favorite: Jonah Hill

Best Actress in a Supporting Role

Jason’s Prediction:  Lupita Nyong’o

Jason’s Favorite: Lupita Nyong’o

Ezra’s Prediction: Lupita Nyong’o

Ezra’s Favorite: Lupita Nyong’o

Best Animated Feature

Jason’s Prediction:  Frozen

Jason’s Favorite: The Wind Rises

Ezra’s Prediction: Frozen

Ezra’s Favorite: The Wind Rises

Best Cinematography

Jason’s Prediction:  Gravity

Jason’s Favorite: The Grandmaster

Ezra’s Prediction: Gravity

Ezra’s Favorite: Gravity

Best Costume Design

Jason’s Prediction:  American Hustle

Jason’s Favorite: The Great Gatsby

Ezra’s Prediction: American Hustle

Ezra’s Favorite: The Great Gatsby

Best Documentary Feature

Jason’s Prediction:  The Act of Killing

Jason’s Favorite: The Act of Killing

Ezra’s Prediction: The Act of Killing

Ezra’s Favorite: The Act of Killing

Snub: Sarah Polley’s Stories We Tell

Best Film Editing

Jason’s Prediction:  Gravity

Jason’s Favorite: 12 Years A Slave

Ezra’s Prediction: American Hustle

Ezra’s Favorite: Captain Phillips

Best Foreign Language Film

Jason’s Prediction:  No prediction

Jason’s Favorite: Unknown

Ezra’s Prediction: The Great Beauty

Ezra’s Favorite: The Hunt

Best Makeup and Hairstyling

Jason’s Prediction:  Dallas Buyers Club

Ezra’s Prediction: Dallas Buyers Club

Ezra’s Favorite: Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa

Best Original Score

Jason’s Prediction:  Gravity

Jason’s Favorite: Her

Ezra’s Prediction: Gravity

Ezra’s Favorite: Philomena

Best Original Song

Jason’s Prediction:  Let it Go (Frozen)

Ezra’s Prediction: Let it Go (Frozen)

Snub: Inside Llewyn Davis song “Please Mr. Kennedy”

Best Production Design

Jason’s Prediction:  Gravity

Jason’s Favorite: The Great Gatsby

Ezra’s Prediction: 12 Years A Slave

Ezra’s Favorite: The Great Gatsby

Best Visual Effects

Jason’s Prediction:  Gravity

Jason’s Favorite: The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug

Ezra’s Prediction: Gravity

Ezra’s Favorite: Iron Man Three

Best Adapted Screenplay

Jason’s Prediction:  The Wolf of Wall Street

Jason’s Favorite: 12 Years A Slave

Ezra’s Prediction: 12 Years A Slave

Ezra’s Favorite: The Wolf of Wall Street

Best Original Screenplay

Jason’s Prediction: Nebraska

Jason’s Favorite: Her

Ezra’s Prediction: Dallas Buyers Club

Ezra’s Favorite: Nebraska

A correction to the podcast:

Jason mentioned Ushio Shinohara, the artist featured in the the documentary: “Cutie and the Boxer”  was 83 years old when he is actually 82.

By Jason A. Hill & Ezra Stead

Jason and Ezra discuss the basic elements of good and bad film. From dramas to comedies, action to science fiction, good and bad movies come in many forms and take on many critics. Here are just a few examples as we ponder the idea of what makes a good film good and a bad film bad.

Movies mentioned in this episode:

The Room (2003)
Dir – Tommy Wiseau

Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2010)
Dir – James Nguyen

Troll 2 (1990)
Dir – Claudio Fragasso

The Wicker Man (1973)
Dir – Robin Hardy

The Tree of Life (2011)
Dir – Terrence Malick

To the Wonder (2012)
Dir – Terrence Malick

The Wicker Man (2006)
Dir – Neil LaBute

Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen (2005)
Dir – Michael Bay

Star Wars: Episode 1 – The Phantom Menace (1999)
Dir – George Lucas

Man on Fire (2004)
Dir – Tony Scott

Domino (2005)
Dir – Tony Scott

Super 8 (2011)
Dir – J.J. Abrams

Se7en (1995)
Dir – David Fincher

Black Swan (2010)
Dir – Darren Aronofsky

Empire Of The Sun (1987)
Dir – Steven Spielberg

Southland Tales (2006)
Dir – Richard Kelly

Donnie Darko (2001)
Dir – Richard Kelly

The Happening (2008)
Dir – M. Night Shyamalan

The Sixth Sense (1999)
Dir – M. Night Shyamalan

Unbreakable (2000)
Dir – M. Night Shyamalan

The City (2011)
Dir – James Vogel

Femme Fatale (2002)
Dir – Brian De Palma

The Untouchables (1987)
Dir – Brian De Palma

Spartan (2004)
Dir – David Mamet

The Spanish Prisoner (1997)
Dir – David Mamet

Redbelt (2008)
Dir – David Mamet

The Lady in the Water (2006)
Dir – M. Night Shyamalan

Only God Forgives (2013)
Dir – Nicolas Winding Refn

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy (2011)
Dir – Tomas Alfredson

George Lucas’s student film: Electronic Labyrinth THX 1138 4EB

Jason A. Hill is the Founder, Owner of Movies I Didn’t Get.com. He is a film critic and writer of articles and film reviews covering a variety of genres and film news that have been syndicated to many sites in the film blogosphere. He specializes in independent film in the US and Asia.

For more information please contact Jason at JasonAHill@MoviesIDidn’tGet.com.

Ezra Stead is the Head Editor for MoviesIDidn’tGet.com. Ezra is also a screenwriter, actor, filmmaker, rapper, and aspiring stand-up comic who has been previously published in print and online, as well as writing, directing and acting in numerous short films and two features. A Minneapolis native, Ezra currently lives in New York City.

For more information, please contact EzraStead@MoviesIDidntGet.com.

By Mike Shaeffer

Hercules, USA, 2014

Directed by Brett Ratner

Action fans would look upon Brett Ratner’s X-Men 3 more fondly if no other X-men movies existed before or after it. Sadly, The Last Stand stands as the least enjoyable of the mutant franchise, and I attribute this largely to Ratner’s approach to action sequences. When he attaches himself to a solid story and a talented cast, he can churn out immensely watchable guilty pleasures like After the Sunset (2004) or the pilot to Prison Break, which hooked me into a hermit-like Netflix binge, burning through all four seasons in six weeks. So what about Ratner’s take on Hercules? The iconic lion’s head? Check. Dwayne Johnson dons the headgear like Riddick putting on his goggles just before opening up a can of whoop-ass, and you’ve got the familiar trope of a son struggling with who his father really is—see Superman, Simon Birch, Inception, The Empire Strikes Back, or even TV’s Archer. 

And how does the son of Zeus stack up against some of Dwayne Johnson’s other big-screen and small-screen personas? Considering each character’s charisma, strength, tenacity, and sometimes a smack of supernatural chutzpah, his most recent character comes out on top: Hercules > The Scorpion King > Sarge > The Rock > Luke Hobbs > Chris Vaughn > Paul Doyle > Elliot Wilhelm > Jericho Cane. This Hercules is not the cocky hero that believes he is destined to defeat any foe.  This is a weary mercenary-for-hire who is tired of tall tales and wants to score on one last mission so he can finally retire and be left alone—think Gene Hackman’s character in Heist or Al Pacino in The Godfather: Part III. The revisionist attempt on re-telling this tale is less like Troy, a better but still flawed movie involving other epic heroes and absent gods, and much more like another movie from 2004, King Arthur, which asked the audience to consider the what ifs and the mortality behind these immortal legends.

How about the overall strengths and weaknesses of the movie? Permit me to use a trick I learned during parent/teacher conferences: try to begin the dialogue with a few positives, especially when dealing with a problem child like Hercules. The sound is crisp; from sharp blades slicing through the air, to crunching bones on the battlefield, to Ian McShane’s impeccable Swearengen sass, the sound quality of this movie was quite the treat. The blink-and-you’ll-miss-it/saw-this-all-in-the-preview Erymanthian boar was the most massive realization of the beast I’d ever seen. Before this movie, chasing down a wild pig was arguably one of the lamest labors, but Ratner’s effects team provided some CGI tusks to be feared, and Ratner’s vision of Cerberus is literally nightmarish, haunting Herc’s waking moments. Another treat? Ingrid Bolso Berdal. She is one to watch. Her name is even fun to say. Take a moment to trip it on your tongue. I’ll wait. Ingrid plays the lithe and loyal Atalanta. As Hercules’ only female accomplice, she never misses the mark—as a fighter or an actor. She is fiercer than Katniss, more masculine than Legolas, and she doesn’t run out of ammo like Hawkeye. She is simply the most fun character sporting a bow and arrow in years.

There are splashes of intended and effective humor, from a clear nod to Road House to an implication that anyone who does a little “puff, puff, pass” can prophesy. Of the two writers, Ryan Condal’s short list doesn’t have anything notable, and Evan Spiliotopoulos’ writing credits are largely comprised of sequels or spinoffs to Snow White, The Little Mermaid, Cinderella, Winnie the Pooh, and Tarzan. The laughs were welcome, unexpected, and well delivered. PG-13 movies are supposedly allowed one F-bomb. Burning through this one-shot allowance has been most laughable in Be Cool (also starring Dwayne Johnson), X-Men: First Class, and now Hercules, when our protagonist expresses his profound disdain for centaurs.

The biggest problem with this film—the part I didn’t get—was the reoccurring thought that it was trying way too hard to be a PG-13 movie. Opening weekend, Luc Besson’s Lucy edged out over Hercules with its superior cast, story, and R-rating. Perhaps recent fare like TV’s Spartacus and Game of Thrones has conditioned me to expect a little more grit, grime, and giggity tagged on to any plot involving swordplay. Hercules doesn’t need to have the arterial spray of Braveheart or the gratuitous nudity of 300 or Conan the Barbarian, but anyone over the age of 17 who is fascinated by the Hercules legend would be better served by a hard R. The three large battles, all led by Dwayne Johnson’s competent swagger and charm, have nary a drop of blood in them, and it feels like the studio is pulling punches for the sake of a younger audience and the PG-13 rating.

The handful of flashbacks get in the way. They are unnecessary and irritating, and detract from the action that’s trying to build. John Hurt, who’s been a favorite since 1979’s Alien, brings his A-game as Lord Cotys, but Joseph Fiennes (Shakespeare in Love) is totally wasted as King Eurystheus, the Godfather of Horrible Bosses [see what I did there, Brett? Put in a plug for one of your good movies]. As Hercules’ weasel of a taskmaster, Joseph Fiennes is given barely more screen time than the aforementioned Erymanthian boar.

The lesson learned here is that X-Men: The Final Stand didn’t work, but it never would have worked as an R-rated movie—it would have shut out a huge part of the intended demographic. For stories like Hercules, however, studios and directors have got to be willing to take a risk with an R. Brett Ratner has been slated to direct Beverly Hills Cop IV, due out in 2016. I’m hoping the studios will let him release an R-rated comedy. If they’re going to revisit the Eddie Murphy franchise, softening Axel Foley for a PG-13 crowd would be the cinematic equivalent of a banana in the tailpipe, and the movie won’t go anywhere.

Mike Shaeffer is a slam poet, playwright, director, and English teacher who lives in Fairbanks, AK.

By Ezra Stead

In case you missed it, there was a fun little game trending on Twitter over the weekend, with the hashtag “Explain A Film Plot Badly.” It’s kind of similar to this old thing I wrote. Here are the ones I came up with, in order of when they were tweeted (answers can be found in the tags for this article, but I think you’ll get ‘em all):

Kevin Spacey has a nice time drinking coffee and telling stories to a grumpy policeman.

Sigourney Weaver risks her life to save a cat.

Sam Neill learns to like children after being forced to keep two of them from being eaten.

Kevin Spacey really hates fat people, among others.

Baxter is a dog who can speak Spanish and converse with bears.

Sinbad goes to jail after trying to buy his son a toy at Christmastime.

Kyle Reese is a motherf**ker.

Crybaby orphan beats people up while wearing tights and a cape.

Shiftless bowling aficionado acquires new carpet.

Group of friends overcome their differences to murder a common enemy with a boulder.

Young man fights with his dad and kisses his sister in outer space.

Man dies from looking at snow globe.

Hippie woman falls in love with retarded man, dies of AIDS.

Irritating teenager with improbable name spawns baby that looks like Michael Cera.

Leonardo DiCaprio is obsessed with a dreidel.

Ezra Stead is the Head Editor for MoviesIDidn’tGet.com. Ezra is also a screenwriter, actor, filmmaker, rapper, and aspiring stand-up comic who has been previously published in print and online, as well as writing, directing and acting in numerous short films and two features. A Minneapolis native, Ezra currently lives in New York City.

For more information, please contact EzraStead@MoviesIDidntGet.com. And follow him on Twitter: @EzraStead

By Ezra Stead

Horns, USA / Canada, 2013

Directed by Alexandre Aja

The least interesting thing about Horns is its central plot, a standard murder mystery potboiler that finds Ig Perrish (Daniel Radcliffe) on a quest to prove his innocence in the brutal slaying of his longtime girlfriend, Merrin (Juno Temple). Where the film adaptation of Joe Hill’s novel really excels is in the memorable sequences along the road of Ig’s private investigation. Once he begins to grow the titular horns, everyone he encounters feels the irrepressible need to unburden themselves of their darkest secrets and most antisocial urges to him. He also finds that they will do whatever he tells them, or permits them, to do, and this often leads to hilariously bizarre results, including a massive anchorman fight, which I never thought I’d see again outside of the first two movies to do it. 

The horns are mysterious and never fully explained. It is often unclear whether they are a manifestation of the evil of which Ig has become capable in his grief, rage, and overwhelming desire for revenge. The ways in which he uses his newfound powers are consistently entertaining, if not always highly original; in addition to the aforementioned anchor fight, there is also a pair of lovesick cops straight out of the always underrated Earth Girls Are Easy (coincidentally directed by Juno Temple’s father, Julien). Heather Graham is a highlight of the film in a glorified cameo that nicely satirizes the modern trend of instant, undeserved celebrity.

Director Alexandre Aja (High Tension, The Hills Have Eyes remake) shows some restraint over his signature brand of extreme violence until the third act, but even then much of it is very tongue-in-cheek. This is not always tonally the best approach when dealing with such a brutal subject, as the circumstances of the central murder have some disturbing echoes of certain current events. For all its flaws in tone and narrative, though, at its best, Horns is a solidly compelling midnight movie anchored by a strong lead performance from Radcliffe, who hasn’t really strayed too far from his most famous role by playing another conflicted hero with magical powers and a dark past.

Horns is now available online, and will open in theaters on Halloween 2014.

Ezra Stead is the Head Editor for MoviesIDidn’tGet.com. Ezra is also a screenwriter, actor, filmmaker, rapper, and aspiring stand-up comic who has been previously published in print and online, as well as writing, directing and acting in numerous short films and two features. A Minneapolis native, Ezra currently lives in New York City.

For more information, please contact EzraStead@MoviesIDidntGet.com.

By Ezra Stead

I, Frankenstein, Australia / USA, 2014

Directed by Stuart Beattie

The longer you watch I, Frankenstein, the harder it is to believe that it is an actual theatrical feature and not just a bad TV movie made for the Syfy channel. Despite big-name, reliably good actors like Aaron Eckhart, Bill Nighy and Miranda Otto, and special effects that, at their best, at least look like a really good video game, the entire project is bogged down by the bizarre combination of extreme silliness and relentless self-seriousness. Somehow, in making a movie in which Frankenstein’s monster (Eckhart) is reimagined as a modern-day superhero fighting against a legion of demons that want the secret to his immortality, no one managed to have any fun. The audience (such as it has been) is certainly no exception. 

Alfred Hitchcock is credited with popularizing the term “MacGuffin,” a plot device that is crucial to the protagonists(s) and/or antagonists(s) of a story, but which has no intrinsic relevance to the audience. The titular bird sculpture in The Maltese Falcon is the perfect example; we, the audience, don’t care one way or the other about an ancient statue of a bird of prey, and it ends up being a phony replica anyway, but because the likes of Humphrey Bogart and Peter Lorre are pursuing it, we become interested.

I, Frankenstein is a film that focuses to the point of obsession on every MacGuffin it can find, and it expects the audience to give a shit. It expects this so blindly that it doesn’t bother to give us anything else to care about instead. It is a generic pastiche of better movies like The Matrix and Dark City, endlessly fascinated by “cool” character names like Naberius and Zuriel, but it seems to have little interest in them as actual characters. This is fitting, since they’re not really characters at all so much as video game avatars.

The guy to blame for all this is writer and actor Kevin Grevioux, who was also behind the similarly dreadful Underworld franchise. Grevioux is a giant, intimidating man on the outside, but on the inside he is the most insufferable, sniveling nerd who’s ever lived, the kind of geek that makes my jock blood boil. It’s a good thing he looks like he could crush me into powder, or I’d be tempted to find him and give him a wedgie.

In all seriousness, though, it’s somewhat baffling to me that someone like Grevioux, who clearly has a deep, abiding love for the fantasy genre, would consistently remove all but the most tedious aspects of that genre. Everyone speaks like they’re auditioning for the worst Shakespeare production ever, and the dialogue is all stupid names and overly complicated demon clan back-stories. This is a movie for the likes of Dwight Schrute, the self-described “fascist nerd” from The Office. All others are well advised to steer clear.

Ezra Stead is the Head Editor for MoviesIDidn’tGet.com. Ezra is also a screenwriter, actor, filmmaker, rapper, and aspiring stand-up comic who has been previously published in print and online, as well as writing, directing and acting in numerous short films and two features. A Minneapolis native, Ezra currently lives in New York City.

For more information, please contact EzraStead@MoviesIDidntGet.com.

By Ezra Stead

If I had to pick a favorite month, it would most likely be October. The weather is perfect and I have all the excuse I need to watch practically nothing but horror movies for a month. This year I watched or revisited 25 films of varying quality, and I’m passing along the recommendations to you. I’ve broken them down into three basic categories, with a fourth “Other” category for those that don’t fit any of the big three. The Undead includes zombies, vampires, Frankensteins, and of course the immortal curse of the Candyman; Mutants & Monsters covers genetic freaks, giant animals and other Things That Should Not Be; Werewolves is pretty self-explanatory. All films are ranked from highest recommendation to lowest, ***** being the highest rating and * being the lowest. Happy viewing! 

THE UNDEAD:

CANDYMAN (1992) – one of the all-time great horror films, partly because of its unique atmosphere: the Cabrini-Green setting, the Philip Glass score, Tony Todd’s mesmerizing performance as the title character. The haunting opening scene sets the tone for many more terrifying moments to come. I’ve probably watched this movie at least three out of the past five Octobers. The bees! *****

PET SEMATARY (1989) – one of the best Stephen King adaptations, and certainly the best that King adapted himself (he also pops up in a cameo as a priest, officiating at a funeral, of course). One of the things the film gets so right is the rural Maine flavor, part of which is owed to Fred Gwynne’s excellent performance. Unlike other King adaptations such as Cujo, this one pulls no punches from the grim source material, but it also has one of my favorite moments of dark humor in any horror film. *****

FRIGHT NIGHT (1985) – another classic, but one I had neglected to see until now. It’s easily a new favorite, right up there with other ‘80s vampire classics like The Lost Boys and Near Dark. Great practical effects (especially the reverse werewolf transformation of Evil Ed), a sharp sense of humor and great performances by Roddy McDowall and Chris Sarandon, among others, make this a perfect Halloween movie. ****1/2

PET SEMATARY TWO (1992) – not a sequel that’s better than the original by any means, but still much better than average. Edward Furlong, fresh of his debut in Terminator 2, picks up years after the events of the original, and ends up going through similar hijinks. The real star of the show is Clancy Brown as Gus, the stern stepfather/cop who comes back from the Micmac burial grounds as a weird combination of Frankenstein’s monster and an overeager guard dog. ***1/2

DEAD SNOW (2009) – Nazi zombies. That’s a pretty great hook for a campy, gory midnight movie, and that’s what this Norwegian horror-comedy delivers. Its biggest fault is that the zombies might as well be regular old non-Nazi zombies but for their uniforms, but the creative setting (and, of course, creative eviscerations) make up for it. ***1/2

PHANTASM (1979) – another revered classic in the genre that I only just got around to. What it’s really got going for it is an intense, surreal visual style, a clear influence on later genre classics like Hellraiser. This scene is a nice example of director Don Coscarelli’s grisly inventiveness, and the imposing presence of Angus Scrimm as the Tall Man is also quite memorable. I have a feeling this is a movie I’ll like more and more as I revisit it. ***1/2

THE MONKEY’S PAW (2013) – inspired by the W.W. Jacobs short story, this “adaptation” basically jettisons everything good about the original story in favor of a generic slasher thriller. Stephen Lang, who is way too good for the movie he’s in, manages to squeeze some enjoyment out of the whole thing, but this is a safe one to skip. **

I, FRANKENSTEIN (2014) – even with sufficiently lowered expectations, this is probably the worst movie I’ve seen all year. Like The Monkey’s Paw, it takes a classic, often adapted horror story and just throws out everything good about it in favor of something far less interesting. You can read more of my thoughts on this one here, but for now I’ll just say that it’s easily the worst on this list. *1/2

MUTANTS & MONSTERS:

THE TOXIC AVENGER (1984) – no respectable critic would recommend this one so highly, but if you’re a horror hound, what do you want with a respectable critic anyway? This wonderful blend of genres is more of a comic book superhero movie than a true horror film, but it’s just as much EC Comics that influenced it as Marvel, not to mention the monster movies of the radiation-fearing ‘50s. If you’ve never seen a movie by the independent film company known as Troma, this is the gold standard. They went further with extreme gore and over-the-top jokes in films like Tromeo and Juliet and Terror Firmer, but they’ve never made a better movie than Lloyd Kaufman’s first masterpiece. *****

TUSK (2014) – I’m still just surprised this movie actually exists, and I mean that in the best way possible. Kevin Smith made this wonderfully weird horror-comedy as something of a dare, prompted by a UK Craigslist ad looking for a tenant willing to dress as a walrus in exchange for free rent. Smith extrapolated this into a riff on The Human Centipede that has to be seen to be believed. Continuing in the horror genre after his also excellent Red State, Smith reenlists the great Michael Parks, who manages to top his riveting performance in that film. Even Johnny Depp, in full Johnny Depp mode (goofy hat, goofy hair, goofy accent) is enjoyable. ****1/2

ANACONDA (1997) – a camp classic of sorts, mainly because of Jon Voight’s delightfully over-the-top performance as the ambiguously accented, snake hunting Ahab character. This is an unpretentious movie that knows exactly what it is and has a lot of fun with that, plus Ice Cube’s first line of dialogue is “Today’s a good day,” and one of his last is calling a giant snake “bitch.” ***1/2

HORNS (2013) – a weird and frequently funny murder mystery adapted from a novel by Stephen King’s son, Joe Hill. The murder mystery is the least compelling part, but the warped humor of the premise and a great cameo by Heather Graham make it a demented good time. It also has a pretty damn good anchorman fight. ***1/2

THE RAGE: CARRIE 2 (1999) – this is way better than I would have ever expected from an unnecessary sequel produced almost 25 years after the original. It starts out weak, relying too heavily on flashback footage from Brian De Palma’s masterpiece, which only underscores the sequel’s inferiority. Once it gets rolling, though, it’s actually very compelling, and surprisingly well-acted. Emily Bergl is much more well-cast and convincing in the lead than poor Chloe Grace Moretz in the most recent version (be sure to read the very thorough user comment for an explanation of how the studio ruined Kimberly Peirce’s much more interesting vision). ***

BIG ASS SPIDER! (2013) – the title says it all, with an exclamation point to boot. The always likable Greg Grunberg (Heroes) is the requisite unlikely hero when a huge spider is unleashed on Los Angeles. It’s fun, obviously, with good effects on a small budget. It’s also surprisingly gory for a PG-13 movie; maybe the cartoonishness of the whole thing earned it a pass. Incidentally, if you search for this movie on Amazon, it autosuggests “big assed spider,” which I like to think is the porn parody. ***

WILLOW CREEK (2013) – Bobcat Goldthwait is one of the greatest and most underappreciated filmmakers working in the genre of dark comedy today. Now, like, Kevin Smith before him, he has ventured into horror, with a found footage Bigfoot movie. Unfortunately, this is basically just The Blair Witch Project with Bigfoot (maybe) instead of an equally unseen witch. It’s not bad, just so similar to Blair Witch that it’s more tedious than terrifying, though it does have some good scares at the end. Unlike Smith, who should absolutely do more horror films, I think Goldthwait should go back to the type of dark comedies (Sleeping Dogs Lie, World’s Greatest Dad, God Bless America) that made him great. ***

TEENAGE MONSTER (1958) – this is quite an obscure oddity, a ‘50s sci-fi-Western-monster hybrid B-picture in which a young boy is exposed to radiation from a meteor, which somehow causes him to grow hair all over his face and body, and to suddenly look like he’s in his forties. He also can barely speak outside of a high-pitched, whining mutter that occasionally coalesces into actual words. Everyone keeps describing the “teenage monster” as being huge, like 12 feet tall, but he’s clearly just an average middle-aged actor wearing Wolfman makeup. It’s all technically terrible, of course, with some of the most wooden acting I’ve ever seen, but just strange enough to be pretty fun. ***

BLOOD LAKE: ATTACK OF THE KILLER LAMPREYS (2014) – speaking of technically terrible but pretty fun, you can sort of tell the relative quality of this one by the title. From Asylum Films, who brought you assorted cheap knockoffs of blockbusters they hoped you would accidentally rent, this is the “story” of a bunch of bloodthirsty lampreys (basically a combination leech and eel, for the purposes of the movie) and the people who feed them. Shannen Doherty and Scut Farkus (also known as Zack Ward, from this crazy movie) are among those people, and Christopher Lloyd steals the show in a highly undignified supporting role. The effects are very cheesy, just a few steps ahead of Birdemic. It’s all fairly entertaining. **1/2

WEREWOLVES:

AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON (1981) – my all-time favorite werewolf movie, a perfect blend of horror and comedy from director John Landis, on the upward slant of his career’s decade-long peak from the late ‘70s (Animal House) to the late ‘80s (Coming to America). Griffin Dunne is hilarious as David Naughton’s undead, gradually decaying friend, and of course the first transformation scene is still the best I’ve ever seen. The porno theater scene is also a comedic highlight, balanced by the inevitably tragic conclusion. *****

WOLF (1994) – an often overlooked and definitely unusual entry in the genre, Mike Nichols’ film pits Jack Nicholson against James Spader, and get this: they’re both werewolves! That’s not even the coolest thing about it, though. Okay, it kind of is, but it’s also very interesting that minimal makeup is used, even less than in the classic Lon Chaney, Jr. Wolf Man movie, and the way the film also works as a satire of corporate back-stabbing and masculine territoriality. ****

THE HOWLING (1981) – second best werewolf transformation I’ve ever seen. What American Werewolf captures so amazingly is the physical contortions and obvious pain caused by the change, whereas The Howling’s big moment is more about the sheer terror of the potential victim, who is witness to it in the moment. Howling also has the more terrifying and visually appealing (to me, at least) completed werewolves. I feel like werewolves that stand exclusively on their hind legs are just always scarier, because the human element is more apparent. The great Joe Dante also balances humor and horror very well, as always, wielding a satirical blade at the cultural hang-ups of the time. ****

CURSED (2005) – much better than I had been led to believe by basically all the reviews. Its biggest problem is that it feels so anachronistic (a Collective Soul song plays over the end credits of a movie released in 2005, for example), and probably would have fared better had it been released shortly after writer Kevin Williamson and director Wes Craven’s mid-‘90s megahit Scream. That and the fact that it’s clearly been edited down to achieve a PG-13 rating (always a big mistake in this genre). ***

AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN PARIS (1997) – another unnecessary sequel produced 20-plus years after the original. Like Carrie 2, it’s not bad while still a pale shadow of its predecessor. The humor in particular suffers, as it is just nowhere near as sophisticated or charming as that of London, and of course cheap CGI is no match for Rick Baker’s phenomenal work in the makeup department. ***

OTHER:

YOU’RE NEXT (2011) – easily the best movie I’ve seen yet in the modern, Funny Games-influenced, home invasion slasher subgenre. The plot is smart and twisty, the characters are real and believable, and of course the deaths are creatively horrifying. The style is at times reminiscent of early John Carpenter, which is about the highest compliment I can pay a horror movie. Best of all, it has an amazing Final Girl in Sharni Vinson; I’m simultaneously very attracted to and completely terrified of her. ****1/2

WITCHFINDER GENERAL (1968) – there is nothing supernatural going on here, but instead it focuses on the horrors perpetrated on human beings by other human beings. Vincent Price gives a chilling performance as the titular fiend, a ruthless inquisitor in the witch trials of the late 17^th century. The action is heightened and melodramatic, the blood is too red, but the overall effect is nonetheless gripping and disturbing, all in the classic tradition of the old Hammer films. ***1/2

THE ABCS OF DEATH 2 (2014) – here is a sequel to which the word “unnecessary” can’t really apply, as it is another anthology of very short films from 26 different directors, all dealing with some sort of unpleasant death scenario. It’s a mixed bag, of course, and while some are heavy-handed and obvious (Dennison Ramalho’s “J is for Jesus” is a good example), there are some real gems. My favorite is probably Rodney Ascher’s “Q is for Questionnaire,” but the final short, Chris Nash’s “Z is for Zygote,” is the most unsettling, and it contains some of the best practical effects I’ve ever seen. ***

TOP FIVE RECOMMENDATIONS:

- CANDYMAN

- THE TOXIC AVENGER

- PET SEMATARY

- AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON

- YOU’RE NEXT

TWO TO AVOID:

- I, FRANKENSTEIN

- THE MONKEY’S PAW

Ezra Stead is the Head Editor for MoviesIDidn’tGet.com. Ezra is also a screenwriter, actor, filmmaker, rapper, and aspiring stand-up comic who has been previously published in print and online, as well as writing, directing and acting in numerous short films and two features. A Minneapolis native, Ezra currently lives in New York City.

For more information, please contact EzraStead@MoviesIDidntGet.com.

By Ezra Stead

Under the Skin, UK / USA / Switzerland

Directed by Jonathan Glazer

Species is a 1995 sci-fi/horror/action thriller about a terrifying extraterrestrial monster that assumes the physical form of an attractive and notoriously easy earth girl, then uses this form to dupe horny earth men into going somewhere private with her/it. She then reveals her true form and eats them. Or uses them to incubate her eggs. Or something. Point is, the guys meet a messy demise; glorious ‘90s nudity and gore abound. How do you take that basic, very cool idea and make an intolerably tedious art film out of it? Ask Jonathan Glazer. 

Glazer, who made the Tarantino-esque chatty mobster movie Sexy Beast with none other than Species’ own Ben Kingsley, then decided to go more highbrow with the annoyingly self-serious Birth, goes back to his roots as a music video director here. Under the Skin is all about atmosphere and striking imagery, at the expense of any real narrative or character development. It’s more like a video installation in an art gallery than an actual movie.

Scarlett Johansson is the cipher of an alien. The film begins with a mysterious motorcyclist (he remains mysterious throughout, but we can only assume he is also an alien and that he is her higher-up in whatever strange mission they are pursuing) delivering a female corpse to the already humanoid alien so that she can steal its clothes. She then proceeds to lure various men into her windowless van, where she leads them to believe she plans to have sex with them. Instead, they meet a demise that is much prettier but more ambiguous than the messy eviscerations of Species. This repeats itself for about 90 interminable minutes. Along the way, the alien seems to be gaining some human feeling, and she even lets one of the men—a hideously deformed virgin—go free, though he is quickly dispatched by the mysterious motorcyclist.

To what purpose is all this happening? The film has no apparent interest in answering this question, preferring to leave it open to interpretation, I guess. To me, at least, this comes off as more half-baked than profound. The whole thing has an air of being deep and meaningful, but it never really convinced me. Some say this film is a reaction against rape culture; others argue that the film itself is misogynistic. Personally, I’m not sure it’s saying anything, least of all anything coherent or compelling.

This is most definitely a movie I didn’t get. It’s possible that its languid pace just numbed my faculties, that there are subtleties I might have missed, that I might appreciate it more on a second or third viewing. All these things are possible, but one thing is certain: I’d rather just watch Species again.

Ezra Stead is the Head Editor for MoviesIDidn’tGet.com. Ezra is also a screenwriter, actor, filmmaker, rapper, and aspiring stand-up comic who has been previously published in print and online, as well as writing, directing and acting in numerous short films and two features. A Minneapolis native, Ezra currently lives in New York City.

For more information, please contact EzraStead@MoviesIDidntGet.com.

By Ezra Stead

The Immortalists, USA / UK / India

Directed by David Alvarado & Jason Sussberg

This new documentary from David Alvarado and Jason Sussberg tackles one of the most fascinating subjects a nonfiction film could possibly cover: it is about scientists on the hunt for a cure for aging. In other words, the subjects of this film are trying to make natural death a thing of the past. What makes the film even more special and memorable is the fact that it is just as interested in these scientists as people, giving equal time to both their extremely compelling goals and their personal biographies. In investigating the reasons for their obsessions, the film tells us a great deal about these people, as well as about ourselves. 

British scientist Aubrey de Grey is the star of the show. Sporting long hair and a beard that would make both Alan Moore and Rasputin a bit jealous, de Grey is a hard-drinking, larger-than-life figure who maintains relationships with three different women: his wife, 20 years older than him; another woman around his own age whom we never see; and a third woman 25 years younger than him, to whom we are introduced later in the film.

The more sober and apparently credible of the two figures is Bill Andrews, a health nut who runs insane marathons in his spare time. He and de Grey have an amicably competitive relationship as they pursue the same goal. One of the film’s strengths is the way it makes the complex science behind anti-aging accessible to the layperson. In one particularly lucid passage, Andrews explains the enzyme telomerase as being like the plastic tips on the ends of shoelaces (telomeres, the cellular structures that protect chromosomes from deterioration), which keep these “shoelaces” from unraveling. Andrews believes that if the production of telomerase can be chemically regulated, it can actually reverse the effects of aging and prolong human life indefinitely.

De Grey has other theories about how this goal can be achieved, and of course there are those who believe it cannot, or even should not, be achieved. The question of overpopulation is raised, and de Grey’s response is that we simply don’t know what a future without natural death would be like, and that we shouldn’t stop trying just because it might cause other problems. His enthusiasm is infectious, and it’s hard not to root for him and Andrews, not only for the astounding potential impact of their research, but also because we grow to love them as people.

The Immortalists is my favorite kind of documentary, one that explores the lives and minds of fascinating eccentrics, as Werner Herzog did with Grizzly Man, or Errol Morris with Tabloid. Cinematographer and co-director Alvarado finds some gorgeous images, especially in de Grey’s native London, and even the “talking heads” segments of the film are never less than interesting. This is one of those rare films that I honestly believe every human being should see.

Ezra Stead is the Head Editor for MoviesIDidn’tGet.com. Ezra is also a screenwriter, actor, filmmaker, rapper, and aspiring stand-up comic who has been previously published in print and online, as well as writing, directing and acting in numerous short films and two features. A Minneapolis native, Ezra currently lives in New York City.

For more information, please contact EzraStead@MoviesIDidntGet.com

By Ezra Stead

Yes, I know this should be “12 Days of Christmas Movies.” Listen, it’s the holidays, guys; cut me some slack. Anyway, Christmas is far from my favorite holiday, as evidenced by my much more thorough Halloween article (over four times as many movies in that one, folks!), but I wanted to take some time this year to look at some rather off-the-beaten-path movies, as well as a couple I had seen before, but felt it was time to revisit. Here they are, in the order in which I watched them. Happy birthday, Jeebus!

THE MUPPET CHRISTMAS CAROL – a delightful and remarkably faithful adaptation of Charles Dickens’ classic, starring Michael Caine as Ebenezer Scrooge (Ebenezer apparently went the way of Adolph as a first name choice), Kermit the Frog as Bob Cratchit, and the Great Gonzo as Dickens himself. The biggest deviation from the source material is the casting of not one but two Jacob Marleys, in the form of crusty old hecklers Statler and Waldorf. Michael Caine gives a typically excellent performance, with far more emotional depth than you’d expect from a Muppet movie, and the film ends on a positive, Sesame Street-esque educational note: “If you’d like to know more, read the book.” **** 

I AM: SANTA CLAUS – an unusual and frequently funny documentary about the phenomenon of real-bearded Santas, many of whom take the responsibility of being St. Nicholas seriously all year-round. One of the Santas in training is pro wrestling legend Mick Foley, who serves as a sort of audience surrogate to the world of gay Santas, swinging Santas, and even one Long Islander who has had his name legally changed to Santa Claus. ***1/2

LOVE ACTUALLY – the first time I saw this movie was with my girlfriend at the time, and I think I was just so relieved that it was less boring than that Joel Schumacher Phantom of the Opera movie she made me watch that I thought I really liked it. Watching it again without a cute blonde who loved every second of it, however, the film’s flaws became more evident. This is the kind of movie in which a character unironically (and awkwardly) says, “All I want for Christmas is you,” and within 15 minutes, someone sings the Mariah Carey song of the same name. This is the type of movie in which more than one character does a victory dance after finally getting a first kiss. This is the type of movie in which everyone falls in love easily and immediately, with the most obvious person in their social circle, and big moments are scored with overbearing pop songs. With its disparate but intertwining storylines, it plays like a romantic comedy version of Babel. The only thing that saves it is an ensemble cast of very good actors, but even the likes of Colin Firth can’t save his abysmal storyline. Emma Thompson, Bill Nighy and legendary funnyman Liam Neeson fare a bit better with theirs. **1/2

WHITE REINDEER – this is a Christmas movie for people like me who prefer Bad Santa to any other Christmas movie. It is a grim, very dark comedy full of cocaine, strippers, orgies, death and bitterness. Though it is not as hilarious or memorable as Bad Santa, it is a legitimate Christmas movie that also doesn’t sugarcoat the dark side of the season. ***1/2

SCROOGED – another one I’ve seen before, but unlike Love Actually, this one gets better on repeat viewings. Bill Murray perfectly balances his natural charm with his unsurpassed ability to act like a jerk, for a role that requires both. Personally, I like the first half of the movie better, because Murray is hilarious when he’s being a dick. Perfect example: after Murray rudely manhandles a small boy on the set of his network’s Christmas special, the boy’s mother (Alfre Woodard, the Bob Cratchit figure of the movie) rushes over to defend him, crying, “That’s my little boy!” Without missing a beat, Murray replies, “Good. You beat him.” ****

ERNEST SAVES CHRISTMAS – this was my introduction to the Ernest movies, and I’m guessing it’s as good a place to start as any. Jim Varney’s Ernest character is a bumbling hillbilly who is also capable of becoming an articulate master of disguise at a moment’s notice, for no apparent reason other than showcasing Varney’s performance chops. This adventure finds him helping Santa Claus hire a replacement so he can retire, an engaging premise that was later expanded upon in The Santa Clause. ***

Ezra Stead is the Head Editor for MoviesIDidn’tGet.com. Ezra is also a screenwriter, actor, filmmaker, rapper, and aspiring stand-up comic who has been previously published in print and online, as well as writing, directing and acting in numerous short films and two features. A Minneapolis native, Ezra currently lives in New York City.

For more information, please contact EzraStead@MoviesIDidntGet.com

By Ezra Stead 

This was the year I realized that my annual goal of seeing pretty much every movie released in a given year was more impossible than ever. The reason for this is the exponential growth in the number of films now being released in the digital age. When I started doing these lists back in 2001, there were about 300 official releases per year; now it’s closer to 700. With that in mind, I’d like to start with a partial list of movies I meant to see in 2014, but just didn’t get to in time. Then, to acknowledge the relatively arbitrary nature of these lists in general, I’m listing my Top 10 in categories by which each film corresponds to another one from my Top 20 (only the Top 10 is ranked in order of preference). It’ll make more sense as you read it, I promise.

WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN (40 movies I didn’t see in time for this list, in alphabetical order): Bird People; The Boxtrolls; Calvary; Chef; Citizenfour; Coherence; The Congress; Enemy; Fading Gigolo; Filth; Force Majeure; Foxcatcher; Frank; Fury; Gloria; Happy Christmas; Ida; Joe; A Letter to Momo; Leviathan; Life After Beth; Like Father, Like Son; Lucy; Men, Women & Children; A Million Ways to Die in the West; Mr. Turner; Moebius; A Most Violent Year; Night Moves; Palo Alto; The Rocket; The Sacrament; St. Vincent; Song of the Sea; Starred Up; Stonehearst Asylum; Top Five; 22 Jump Street; Virunga; Wrinkles.

THE TOP 10: 

1. BEST ANIMATED MOVIE: The Lego Movie - against all odds, this is easily my favorite movie of the year. Much like Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle before it, I initially dismissed this one for having product placement right there in the title, but then I actually saw the movie, and it is simply glorious. I decided I was in love with this movie right around the time I realized that Will Arnett was voicing Batman, and that Batman was going to be fully a Will Arnett character– pushy, narcissistic, obliviously the butt of the joke– but it’s the third act that really transcends and makes The Lego Movie the best picture of the year. It doesn’t hurt that the movie is also a feat only previously pulled off by the likes of Who Framed Roger Rabbit, bringing together beloved characters from all over the pop culture landscape without fear of licensing issues. There were more innovative and important films in 2014, but nothing as much fun as this.

RUNNER-UP: Ernest & Celestine - this was actually nominated for Best Animated Feature of 2013 at the Oscars, but most of the world didn’t really get a chance to see it until 2014, so I’m counting it here. A wonderful, touching story set in a world in which the only inhabitants seem to be bear and mice, Ernest & Celestine is a delightful and consistently clever look at the extraordinary power of an unlikely friendship.

2. BEST MOVIE CHARACTER I WANT TO PARTY WITH: Cheap Thrills - I might not survive the hypothetical party with David Koechner’s character in this movie, but it would be a hell of a way to go out. Cheap Thrills is my favorite movie of the year that no one else seems to have seen or even heard of, but I hear Tarantino loves it, so I guess I’m in good company. The premise is simple: a guy who needs money fast runs into an old friend, and soon the two of them are in a continually escalating game of outlandish dares for cash prizes. To say much more would be edging into spoiler territory. I’m not sure if this is the darkest comedy or the funniest thriller of the year, but either way, it’s one of my absolute favorites.

RUNNER-UP: The Immortalists - my favorite documentary of the year is about an inherently fascinating subject– scientists searching for a cure for old age– but it is the personality of one of those scientists that really hooks the viewer. Aubrey de Grey is a hard-drinking, polyamorous weirdo who would be great fun to share several pints with, and both he and the movie do a remarkable job of keeping the esoteric science behind his endeavors very accessible to the layperson.

3. MOST EXTREME MOVIE: Nymph()maniac - this is probably the most divisive movie of the year. I’ve certainly seen it on more worst-of-the-year lists than best. Whatever, those people are wrong. This is the best and most ambitious movie ever made about sex addiction, handily trouncing the maudlin and obvious Shame. Lars von Trier is always polarizing and, with the exception of Dogville, this is probably my favorite of his films. At five-and-a-half hours, it’s bound to test the patience of those who aren’t instantly in love with it, but it is never boring and surprisingly funny, especially in the first half. Uma Thurman’s cameo is probably my single favorite scene of the year.

RUNNER-UP: Why Don’t You Play in Hell - if Nymph()maniac is the most extreme movie of the year about sex (and it most certainly is), this is the most extremely violent movie of the year. Breathlessly paced, continually surprising and, above all, batshit insane, Shion Sono’s masterpiece is a blood-soaked, cocaine-fueled love letter to cinema.

4. BEST OSCAR MOVIE: Whiplash - stunning doesn’t begin to cover it. One of the most intense movies of the year, Whiplash is also easily the most inspiring, the kind of movie that makes you want to bleed for your craft. J.K. Simmons is simply brilliant as a jazz bandleader who is basically the reincarnation of R. Lee Ermey’s drill sergeant from Full Metal Jacket, unleashing a steady stream of colorful profanity on his students in an effort to bring out their best. Miles Teller achieves the impossible feat of matching Simmons’ intensity every step of the way. Much like There Will Be Blood before it, the really interesting thing to ponder about this one is just how much of a villain is the villainous character, really? Sure, his methods are unusual and extreme, but maybe he’s right.

RUNNER-UP: Boyhood - the most ambitious film of the year is Richard Linklater’s 12-years-in-the-making portrait of a young boy’s life as he gradually transitions to manhood. Though this is easily the best behind-the-scenes story of 2014, it is not, as many claim, Linklater’s masterpiece. In fact, one of the few cinematic precedents for what he’s done here is his own Before trilogy, all three of which are better finished films than this one (especially 2013’s possibly final installment, Before Midnight). Nonetheless, Boyhood is moving, memorable and certainly one of a kind, and Patricia Arquette gives a career-best performance.

5. BEST HORROR MOVIE: Tusk – presumably tired of being pigeonholed as a director of silly comedies with no real eye for composition or camerawork, Kevin Smith has struck off in a bold new direction with his last two films: the politically charged, genre-bending Red State, and now the extremely weird monster movie Tusk. This one skews closer to the humor for which Smith is known, but it is still a legitimately disturbing horror movie, thanks mainly to the excellent prosthetic make-up and effects work, as well as Michael Parks’ commanding performance as the mad scientist who surgically transforms Justin Long into a walrus. The film takes this premise as seriously as it can possibly be taken, but ultimately, the reason I love this movie is the fact that it had me laughing out loud for a good ten minutes straight after the credits rolled.

RUNNER-UP: Oculus - who knew WWE Studios, an offshoot of World Wrestling Entertainment, would produce the scariest movie of the year? Featuring Dazed and Confused‘s Rory Cochrane (Slater), all growed-up and in full-on Jack Torrance mode, Oculus invents a wonderfully effective new monster for the horror genre: the haunted mirror. It sounds silly, but the way the film uses it is unexpected and genuinely frightening. This is an immensely satisfying horror movie.

6. BEST EDGY BUT HEARTWARMING MOVIE: We Are the Best! – my favorite foreign language film of the year is also my favorite coming of age story. It would be my favorite music movie, too, but for Whiplash, which is just phenomenal. Anyway, this portrait of three misfit teenage girls starting a punk rock band together isn’t really about the music, or certainly their skill in playing it. It’s about the friendship between the girls and the non-conformist spirit that unites them. Director Lukas Moodysson made one of my all-time favorite movies with 1998’s Show Me Love, and this is the closest he’s come to revisiting that territory.

RUNNER-UP: Obvious Child - truly a one-of-a-kind romantic comedy, and the first movie I can think of to really tackle abortion in a comedic way (Knocked Up and Juno both had their chances, but opted out). Not only that, the “meet-cute” between the two leads occurs when he accidentally farts in her face while they are drunkenly urinating in public together. This movie deserves an Oscar for that alone.

7. BEST SCI-FI / ACTION MOVIE: Snowpiercer – South Korean director Joon-ho Bong first English language film is this year’s Oldboy; a smart, kinetic, beautifully shot thriller with killer fight scenes. The central premise of a train continuously running on a circular track provides neat metaphors for societal inequities, and the classroom scene is a terrific illustration of the old axiom that the winners write the history books.

RUNNER-UP: Edge of Tomorrow - the most satisfying Tom Cruise action movie since the first Mission Impossible is also the cleverest video game since the underrated Gamer, and it’s even more fun. To clarify, neither film is actually based on a video game, but both use video game logic in very interesting ways. Plus, Emily Blunt is a bigger badass than Cruise, and both he and the movie acknowledge and accept that.

8. BEST POLITICAL COMEDY: Dear White People - the Spike Lee comparisons were bound to happen, and this movie does resemble his early film School Daze, but not a musical and way more focused. The best thing about it is that it stays focused on the characters and their relationships, and it rarely allows any of them to be mere types. This keeps the political commentary from feeling too heavy-handed and, most importantly, it’s funny as hell.

RUNNER-UP: The Interview - after Boyhood, this is the behind-the-scenes story of the year. It went from a movie I could take or leave me to one everyone must see for the sake of Freedom! In a surprisingly short amount of time. If the entire movie were as great as its opening scenes (particularly the Eminem cameo, which is nothing short of brilliant), it would have easily made my Top 10. Luckily, the rest of the movie is pretty damn good. That Eminem scene, though– one of the very best of the year.

9. BEST THRILLER: Nightcrawler - Jake Gyllenhaal really commands the screen in this one, but it’s not merely an actor’s vehicle. It’s also a wonderfully dark and uncompromising satire of news media in the 24-hour news cycle. This is definitely the darkest mainstream hit of the year, and I’m a little uncomfortable with how well I relate to Gyllenhaal’s character. Nice to see Bill Paxton and Rene Russo in good roles again, too.

RUNNER-UP: Blue Ruin - as revenge movies go, this is sort of the anti-John Wick (which is also very good in its own right). A slow-burning, gradually revealed story of incompetent revenge carried off by sheer stubborn determination, this one is more like Winter’s Bone or No Country for Old Men than it is an action movie, and it’s every bit as good. This is a movie that will stick with you long after it’s over.

10. BEST MOVIE ABOUT MARRIAGE: Proxy - I don’t think any movie in a category such as this could ever have an especially positive view of marriage. Who wants to watch that? Proxy is remarkable in part because of its Psycho-esque abrupt shift about midway through. I don’t want to say too much about that, but the scene that signals the shift is one of my favorites of the year. This is the rare movie that has the ability to shock and surprise even the most jaded viewer.

RUNNER-UP: Gone Girl - a wonderfully trashy thriller in the vein of Basic Instinct or Fatal Attraction, this one this one also hinges on a dynamite twist and the aftermath of that moment. Don’t take it any more seriously than it takes itself (probably less, actually) and you’ll have more fun. Also, I had no idea Tyler Perry was such an awesome actor. I might have to check out some of his movies now.

To sum up and keep it simple, here is my actual Top 10 list, the only ones I’ve ranked in order of preference:

1. THE LEGO MOVIE
2. CHEAP THRILLS
3. NYMPH()MANIAC
4. WHIPLASH
5. TUSK
6. WE ARE THE BEST!
7. SNOWPIERCER
8. DEAR WHITE PEOPLE
9. NIGHTCRAWLER
10. PROXY

And, just because the point of all this is to recommend movies, here are ten more I really liked, in alphabetical order: Cold in July; The Double; The Final Member; The Guest; The Immigrant; John Wick; Locke; The Raid 2; The Tale of the Princess Kaguya; They Came Together.

THE REST:

WORST MOVIE I SAW IN 2014: I, Frankenstein - I’ve already taken this one to task in my full review, but I guess my complaint is how a movie this silly manages to be no fun at all.

MOST OVERRATED: Birdman, or: (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance) - the pretentiousness begins with that ridiculous subtitle, but it certainly doesn’t end there. It is kind of amusing how critically beloved a movie that so blatantly hates critics has become, but the movie itself is little more than Charlie Kaufman-lite. It particularly brings to mind Adaptation and Synecdoche, New York, both of which are infinitely superior. The ending is ambiguous for ambiguity’s sake, and the celebrated cinematography, while technically impressive, calls too much attention to itself for me to really consider it “good.” I love Michael Keaton and hope he wins the Oscar, but the movie is consistently underwhelming and fails to live it up to its considerable potential. I think its biggest problem is that it’s a comedy that simply isn’t very funny.

MOST UNDERRATED: Frank Miller’s Sin City: A Dame to Kill For - it’s a pale shadow of the original, to be sure, and it would have been more interesting if it attempted to adapt the sprawling final chapter of Frank Miller’s groundbreaking comics, but it’s not half-bad for all of that. Its biggest problem is its final act, which ruins the carefully crafted continuity of the Sin City universe, but it’s an undeniably fun ride for fans of the material.

PLEASANT SURPRISE: Ping Pong Summer - this one barely opened to mostly middling reviews, but one quote I saw on the poster sums it up nicely (I’m paraphrasing here): it’s like The Karate Kid, but with ping pong and Hip-Hop. As a big fan of both those things, that was enough to sell me, but it’s also a really good movie about friendship and reaching one’s potential. Susan Sarandon makes a great Mr. Miyagi, too.

BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT: Only Lovers Left Alive - I’m not sure if I’ve grown tired of Jim Jarmusch or if the quality of his recent movies has actually declined. Based on how much everyone seems to love this one, I guess it might be the former, which makes me wonder if I’d love Dead Man or Ghost Dog as much as I do if I saw them for the first time now. At any rate, this film reminds me of Sofia Coppola’s Marie Antoinette in that they both attempt to show the inherent boredom in a certain lifestyle (extreme wealth / immortality via vampirism), and in succeeding, the result is a boring movie. If you really want to see John Hurt and Tilda Swinton in the same movie (and who wouldn’t?), I recommend Snowpiercer.

Well, that’s it, folks! Check in with us later in the week for a podcast in which Jason and I discuss our thoughts and predictions on the Oscars.

Ezra Stead is the Head Editor for MoviesIDidn’tGet.com. Ezra is also a screenwriter, actor, filmmaker, rapper, and aspiring stand-up comic who has been previously published in print and online, as well as writing, directing and acting in numerous short films and two features. A Minneapolis native, Ezra currently lives in New York City.

For more information, please contact EzraStead@MoviesIDidntGet.com

By Jason A. Hill & Ezra Stead

The MIDG Oscars Podcast, 2015 edition.

Oscar discussion and predictions for the show Sunday night, February 22nd, on ABC.

Part 1: 1 hour and 6 minutes.

Part 2: 1 hour and 11 minutes.

Intro Music: Theory Of Everything Theme

Outro Music: Whiplash Title Theme

Oscar Predictions:

Best Picture

Jason’s Prediction: Birdman

Jason’s Favorite: Whiplash

Ezra’s Prediction: Boyhood

Ezra’s Favorite: Whiplash

Snubs and Recommendations: Nightcrawler, Leviathan, Dear White People, The Lego Movie

Best Directing

Jason’s Prediction: Richard Linklater – Boyhood

Jason’s Favorite: Bennet Miller – Foxcatcher

Ezra’s Prediction: Richard Linklater – Boyhood

Ezra’s Favorite: Richard Linklater – Boyhood

Snubs and Recommendations: Lars von Trier – Nymphomaniac, Dan Gilroy – Nightcrawler

Best Actor in a Leading Role

Jason’s Prediction: Eddie Redmayne – The Theory of Everything

Jason’s Favorite: Steve Carell – Foxcatcher

Ezra’s Prediction: Eddie Redmayne – The Theory of Everything

Ezra’s Favorite: Micheal Keaton – Birdman

Snubs and Recommendations: Jake Gyllenhaal – Nightcrawler, David Oyelowo – Selma, Tom Hardy – Locke, Miles Teller – Whiplash

Best Actress in a Leading Role

Jason’s Prediction: Julianne Moore – Still Alice

Jason’s Favorite: Julianne Moore – Still Alice

Ezra’s Prediction: Julianne Moore – Still Alice

Ezra’s Favorite: Rosamund Pike – Gone Girl

Snubs and Recommendations: Tessa Thompson – Dear White People

Best Actor in a Supporting Role

Jason’s Prediction: J.K. Simmons – Whiplash

Jason’s Favorite: J.K. Simmons – Whiplash

Ezra’s Prediction: J.K. Simmons – Whiplash

Ezra’s Favorite: J.K. Simmons – Whiplash

Snubs and Recommendations: Michael Parks – Tusk

Best Actress in a Supporting Role

Jason’s Prediction: Patricia Arquette – Boyhood

Jason’s Favorite: Laura Dern – Wild

Ezra’s Prediction: Patricia Arquette – Boyhood

Ezra’s Favorite: Patricia Arquette – Boyhood

Snubs and Recommendations: Uma Thurman – Nymphomaniac

Best Animated Feature

Jason’s Prediction: The Tale of the Princess Kaguya

Jason’s Favorite: How To Train Your Dragon 2

Ezra’s Prediction: The Tale of the Princess Kaguya

Ezra’s Favorite: The Tale of the Princess Kaguya

Snubs and Recommendations: The Lego Movie

Best Animated Short

Ezra’s Prediction: Feast

Best Cinematography

Jason’s Prediction: Birdman

Jason’s Favorite: Mr. Turner

Ezra’s Prediction: The Grand Budapest Hotel

Ezra’s Favorite: The Grand Budapest Hotel

Snubs and Recommendations: The Immigrant

Best Costume Design

Jason’s Prediction: The Grand Budapest Hotel

Jason’s Favorite: The Grand Budapest Hotel

Ezra’s Prediction: The Grand Budapest Hotel

Ezra’s Favorite: The Grand Budapest Hotel

Best Documentary Feature

Jason’s Prediction: Last Days in Vietnam

Jason’s Favorite: Last Days in Vietnam

Ezra’s Prediction: Finding Vivan Maier

Ezra’s Favorite: (None nominated)

Snubs and Recommendations: The Immortalists, The Final Member, The Dog

Best Film Editing

Jason’s Prediction: Whiplash

Jason’s Favorite: Whiplash

Ezra’s Prediction: Whiplash

Ezra’s Favorite: Whiplash

Best Foreign Language Film

Jason’s Prediction: Leviathan

Jason’s Favorite: Leviathan

Ezra’s Prediction: Ida

Ezra’s Favorite: (None nominated)

Snubs and Recommendations: We Are The Best!, Why Don’t You Play In Hell

Films in English from a foreign country: Calvary, Nymphomaniac

Best Makeup and Hairstyling

Jason’s Prediction: Foxcatcher

Jason’s Favorite: Foxcatcher

Ezra’s Prediction: Foxcatcher

Ezra’s Favorite: The Guardians of the Galaxy

Snubs and Recommendations: Tusk

Best Original Score

Jason’s Prediction: The Theory of Everything

Jason’s Favorite: The Theory of Everything

Ezra’s Prediction: The Grand Budapest Hotel

Ezra’s Favorite: The Grand Budapest Hotel

Snubs and Recommendations: Whiplash

Best Original Song

Jason’s Prediction: “Glory” – Selma

Jason’s Favorite: “Glory” – Selma

Ezra’s Prediction: “Glory” – Selma

Ezra’s Favorite: “Everything is Awesome” – The Lego Movie

Best Production Design

Jason’s Prediction: The Grand Budapest Hotel

Jason’s Favorite: The Grand Budapest Hotel

Ezra’s Prediction: The Grand Budapest Hotel

Ezra’s Favorite: The Grand Budapest Hotel

Snubs and Recommendations: Snowpiercer

Best Visual Effects

Jason’s Prediction: Interstellar

Jason’s Favorite: Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

Ezra’s Prediction: Interstellar

Ezra’s Favorite: The Guardians of the Galaxy

Snubs and Recommendations: Edge of Tomorrow

Best Adapted Screenplay

Jason’s Prediction: The Theory of Everything

Jason’s Favorite: The Theory of Everything

Ezra’s Prediction: American Sniper

Ezra’s Favorite: Whiplash

Snubs and Recommendations: Obvious Child

Best Original Screenplay

Jason’s Prediction: Foxcatcher

Jason’s Favorite: Nightcrawler

Ezra’s Prediction: Boyhood

Ezra’s Favorite: Nightcrawler

Snubs and Recommendations: Blue Ruin, Dear White People

By Mike Shaeffer 

The Babadook, Australia / Canada, 2014

Written and Directed by Jennifer Kent

“Children are made readers on the laps of their parents.”

― Emilie Buchwald

When marketing an independent film, producers want a trailer that will reel in any number of demographics. Their targeted audience may be those who love a good thriller, but the product is cross-marketed as a horror film or a psychological drama. Such is the case with the Australian outing The Babadook, released in the U.S. last November. While this film owes a bit to the horror genre, it works most effectively as an emotional thriller. Not only does it fit best within the thriller genre, it is most chilling when the ambiguities are cemented in the notion that this is not a supernatural haunting akin to The Amityville Horror; this is not some spin on the Necronomicon– the cursed book of flesh from Sam Raimi’s Evil Dead franchise. The Babadook is not a modern take on The Bad Seed, nor does this film involve cursed ground filled with angry spirits a la Poltergeist. The Babadook is a thriller that depicts the downward spiral of an increasingly unhinged single parent. The mother desperately loves her child, but she is overwhelmed, inept, and unable to combat the depression, fear, and anxiety she suffers after losing her husband and having to raise her boy alone. 

The opening scene depicts a violent car crash, claiming the life of the expectant father, speeding towards the hospital with pregnant wife in tow. The wife survives the crash, but she is forever shaken by the incident. Fast-forward to present day, where she is struggling to raise this child, now six. Quickly we see (through a series of disturbing close ups) that “normally adjusted” is not a phrase anyone would use for her son. He is expressive and wide-eyed about the world, but he is obnoxious, combative, friendless, and prone to violent outbursts, plagued by the notion of real-life monsters. He never knew his father, and we sense that tragic void in the boy’s life.

Master of Suspense Alfred Hitchcock loved the significance of objects in his thrillers. He would appreciate the opening shots of six-year-old Samuel, tiny hands manipulating an oft-used mallet, a toothy metal handsaw, and a splintered, makeshift crossbow. We discover that these objects are being used by the boy to mount a defense; there is a force that threatens him and his mother. All of these objects play second fiddle to (and are rendered all but ineffective by) a dreadful blood-red book that mysteriously pops up among the boy’s bedtime books one dark and stormy evening.

Early in the story, it’s understandable that an audience would like to see this film fit in with the likes of Village of the Damned, Rosemary’s Baby, or The Omen, but we are given so much more. Something truly unpredictable happens halfway through the movie. We realize that the seemingly possessed boy has every justification to fear for his safety and the safety of his mom. The force that haunts him isn’t the dead spirit of his father, a hungry demon, or a nameless Lovecraftian entity– it’s the growing darkness within his mother that becomes more present with each restless and increasingly claustrophobic night.

Fans of paranormal activity will have to go searching elsewhere. The film’s menace is nothing demonic or alien; it’s something all-too-frighteningly familiar– child abuse. How can parents who truly love their children consider lashing out physically against them? The Babadook is that dark and violent streak– that illness– that lurks within some parents. What makes this movie so riveting is that the central child figure can see it coming. He senses his mother’s fragility, exhaustion, and desperation all culminating into a dark, destructive force, and he takes what action he can against it. Imagine if the troubled child characters from The Secret Life of Bees, The Others, or even Mommie Dearest could be empowered with a sort of “Spidey Sense” or “Shining 2.0” each time their abusive parent was about to descend into madness (in one form or another). How different would those movies be and what better lives might those children have led? If Lieutenant Ripley’s alien baby knew that Sigourney Weaver really meant malice behind her initial caress, might we have enjoyed a better battle royale for the end of Alien: Resurrection?

Few things are more helpless than a child. Thrillers center around the helpless protagonist, hanging over the (mental) abyss. Even though Samuel has taken it upon himself to make his own weaponry, he is still just a six-year-old, and when the mother in The Babadook finds herself staring down that dark, expansive hallway, filled with beastly voices, beckoning for bad deeds, does she give up, overwhelmed by her own sinister thoughts? Can we empathize with her aloneness and her struggle to fight against these (inner) demons? The unease is palpable and we fear for the kid.

Thrillers are structured around a partial vision. For the first half of The Babadook, we are just as frustrated as the central characters. We don’t know what kind of ride we’re on. Are we expecting an exorcism? Are the sinister paper pop-outs in the seemingly indestructible book a dreadful foreshadowing of the characters’ fates? Will the Babadook (knocking and whispering from the shadows) manifest itself into some CGI ghoul that would make H.R. Giger roll over in his grave? This deliberate rope-a-dope from first-time writer-director Jennifer Kent is solidly unnerving, edgy, and entertaining. She offers up a thriller that deserves– if not demands– a repeated viewing.

Regarding the iconography of the thriller, this movie has shadows in spades. One of the reasons this movie is so memorable, striking, and effective as a modern thriller is that, during the few scenes shot out of doors and in the daylight, the viewer is still haunted by the effective lighting (or lack thereof) from the interior shots. We sense that more dread, more shadow, and more thrills are just a heartbeat away.

As the mother attempts to navigate her own endless and confusing maze (didn’t she just barbecue that book?), we are left to wonder if she ever figures out that the enemy is within. Even if she were to examine inward, this discovery would horrify her and make her totally collapse mentally, abandoning her already loose grip on reality, rather than it being an empowering moment, compelling her to seek professional help and a safe haven for her well-meaning son.

In so many classic thrillers, the protagonist and antagonist share some sort of characteristic or flaw. Martin Scorsese’s remake of Cape Fear features a defense attorney (Sam Bowden) and an ex-con (Max Cady), two men who both are well read in the letter of the law yet act outside it; both have had indiscretions with women. Likewise, the Babadook becomes the evil, harmful thoughts coming to a boil in the mother’s mind, the flip side of the loving, nurturing mother we want her to be.

As the film builds towards the climax, there is an even greater loss of control, a storyline focused on the hapless heroine, and an ever-heightening sense of peril– all steadfast elements of the thriller genre. Ultimately, however, there is no boogeyman beneath your bed; it’s the person tucking you in. She loves you– most of the time– but she also has the power and desire to harm you. While some fans will want to enjoy the supernatural or demonic possibilities left open-ended by the film’s ambiguity, one need look no further than the movie’s tagline: “You can’t get rid of the Babadook.” This thriller is most unsettling when the viewer strips away and dismisses the possibilities of an external antagonist. The Babadook is the mother’s abuse and mental instability, an instability that will continue to spiral downward after the credits roll. The ending even suggests that the harder she tries to fight these violent, destructive urges, the more doomed she is to fail.

Mike Shaeffer is a slam poet, playwright, director, and English teacher who lives in Fairbanks, AK.

By Ezra Stead 

Maps to the Stars, Canada / Germany / France / USA, 2014

Directed by David Cronenberg

If A Dangerous Method (the end of the Viggo Mortensen trilogy as I like to call it, the first two being A History of Violence and Eastern Promises) shows David Cronenberg at his most respectable, and Cosmopolis presents the Canadian director at his most unwatchable, his latest manages to avoid both of those traps. A sleazy, trashy, dark comedy about the amoral self-absorption of Hollywood, Maps to the Stars is gleefully disreputable and never less than entertaining. However, it lacks the narrative focus and thematic bite to rank among Cronenberg’s best films.

The most coherent and interesting thread to be found amongst the rather large, interconnected ensemble concerns an aging actress (Julianne Moore) angling for the part played by her now deceased mother in a remake of one of the latter’s classic films. She hires an assistant (Mia Wasikowska) who has been disfigured by burns in a house fire she herself started. The mentor-protégé relationship gradually sours to the point of a rather shocking conclusion, and an earlier scene in which the pair sing and dance in celebration of the tragic death of another actress’s small child is easily the funniest moment in the film. 

Meanwhile, other subplots featuring John Cusack, Olivia Williams and Robert Pattinson, as well as frequent name-drops of such millennial signifiers as Twitter and Justin Bieber, all feel rather tacked-on and pointless. The name-drops have seemingly been added to make the movie feel modern and relevant, while the subplots (heavy on sexual indiscretions of various sorts) seem to have been added for the sake of cheap shock value. The heart of the movie is Wasikowska’s self-destructive fascination with Moore, and all else comes off as extraneous.

The most easily jettisoned element, it seems to me, would be the frequent appearance of ghosts that haunt Moore, Cusack and other characters. Much as I would love to see Cronenberg return to the horror genre that yielded most of his best work, these pseudo-Freudian supernatural elements just don’t fit in with what is otherwise a dark satire of Hollywood. The parts of the film that work best are not exactly naturalistic, but they are grounded in a recognizable reality, and the ghosts just seem silly in this context.

The biggest problem with this movie is that it never completely embraces its own trashiness. Though it seems pretty satisfied with its supposed takedown of Hollywood, it pulls some pretty big punches and never really offers any fresh insight. At its best, it calls to mind the novel High Life, by Matthew Stokoe, which pulls no punches and is certainly not for the weak of heart or stomach, but it lacks that novel’s narrative verve as well as its total embrace of the trashy and horrible. Maps to the Stars is effective at lingering with the viewer, but the more thought is put into getting it, the more frustrating and disappointing it becomes.

Ezra Stead is the Head Editor for MoviesIDidn’tGet.com. Ezra is also a screenwriter, actor, filmmaker, rapper, and aspiring stand-up comic who has been previously published in print and online, as well as writing, directing and acting in numerous short films and two features. A Minneapolis native, Ezra currently lives in New York City.

For more information, please contact EzraStead@MoviesIDidntGet.com

By Mike Shaeffer 

The Blues Brothers, USA, 1980

Directed by John Landis

“The crest and crowning of all good, life’s final star, is Brotherhood.” –Edwin Markham

First, let’s agree that most movie lovers would consider The Blues Brothers, foremost, a comedy. However, with the distinct and deliberate musical arrangement, the wide range of singing styles, and the infectious dancing performed throughout the ludicrous plot, we must also qualify this laugh-out-loud comedy as a musical.

The Blues Brothers doesn’t have the romantic tension and chemistry that Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers delivered in classic Hollywood musicals like Top Hat; instead, you have the foul-mouthed banter of brothers Jake and Elwood shuffling and somersaulting their way into our hearts for the unapologetic antiheroes they are. This film doesn’t have all the long, unedited takes and top-notch choreography seen in musical masterpieces like Singin’ in the Rain, but I’ll be content to settle for Debbie Reynolds’ machine-gun toting daughter, Carrie Fisher, every bit as lovely and eternally scorned for being left at the altar by Jake. 

It is Jake’s gravelly voice that sets the tone during the opening credits.  The first song to foreshadow the epic adventure is John Belushi covering Taj Mahal’s “She Caught the Katy.” We are given gritty aerial shots of Chicago factories and the bleak walls of the Cook County Correctional Facility, where the less fortunate of the siblings has been incarcerated. With references to Jake’s “hard-headed woman” and the “mule to ride”—the (temporary) disappointment of being picked up from prison in a used cop car—it’s a slow but steady song that opens this 133-minute odyssey.

But The Blues Brothers is not just a series of blues covers held together with F-bombs and pratfalls, although all those elements do help. The movie also features rockabilly, soul, gospel, country and western, as well as one of the most recognizable TV theme songs of all time. As soon as you hear Henry Mancini’s Peter Gunn Theme, you know that nefariousness is just around the corner. The fantastically familiar bass line has cropped up in a dozen different pop songs, from the B-52s “Rock Lobster” to Bruce Springsteen’s “Pink Cadillac.” As the newly dubbed Bluesmobile cruises around Cook County, the viewer gets a sense that these wheels are a force to be reckoned with. They are, after all, on a mission from God.

Speaking of which, it’s shortly after a violent and eerily supernatural confrontation with the nun dismissively referred to as “The Penguin” that we are introduced to Curtis. From the moment you hear the line, “Boys, you gotta learn not to talk to nuns that way,” and see Cab Calloway’s wrinkled mug, you know that writer/director John Landis is going to find some way to work Cab’s trademark hit into the storyline. Unlike fellow cast mates Ray Charles, John Lee Hooker, and the Godfather of Soul (more on him later), Cab Calloway had one huge hit that overshadowed the rest of his library, and it was “Minnie the Moocher.” Viewers don’t get treated to this chestnut until the final act, when the (reluctantly) reunited band is desperate to stall for time, but music aficionados knew with confidence that Calloway’s call and response, “Heidi-Heidi-Heidi Ho!” would find a way into the eclectic mix.

As Jake and Elwood struggle to reunite the band through any means (including extortion through questionable dining habits), they catch up with a few former bandmates who have regrouped as Murph and the MagicTones. We see a sparse lounge where Murph’s men are slogging through a sad cover of Billy Joel’s “Just the Way You Are.” Murph and the MTs could have easily covered other chart-topping schmaltz from 1980, like “Do That To Me One More Time” by Captain & Tennille, or even “Sailing” by Christopher Cross, but the point is that the once revered blues outfit has now been relegated to cheesy soft-rock covers. The Piano Man’s “Don’t go changin’” is advice Murph and the gang should have followed.

We swiftly segue into a greasy spoon where a no-sass wife and waitress played by the Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin, warns her wayward husband/short-order cook to “Think” before abandoning her for some narrow tie-wearing, fried chicken-eating fools. The musical number incorporates everything in the diner from spatulas to saxophones, and the Rubenesque back-up singers use spinning stools and sashays to further the storyline and make the song’s lyrics ring true, even if they are ultimately denied.

You can’t reunite the band without getting a hold of some instruments. Our next musical number is “Shake a Tail Feather” performed by Ray Charles. This is one of the biggest song and dance numbers in the movie. It features the largest number of dancers—Chicagoans spontaneously bursting into rump shaking—and the longest unedited shots in the movie, showcasing the energized and diverse locals, moved to bust out their best boogie by The Genius, Ray Charles. When considering how to feature Ray Charles in this star-studded cast, Landis could have just as easily gone with “What’d I Say,” but that playful call and response number would be echoed years later in another comedy with Saturday Night Live ties, Tommy Boy. 

In an effort to play a few gigs and start raising some money to save the orphanage, the band foolishly steals the spotlight at a country bar, where their cover of “Gimme Some Lovin’” lasts all of three or four chords. Always thinking on their feet, the brothers adapt and bust out the crowd-pleasing one-two punch that is “Rawhide” and “Stand By Your Man.” As quickly as the bottle-throwing crowd turned on them, they are now avid supporters of this band, whoever they claim to be.

With this newfound success—and the bar tab that comes with it—behind them, the band members beeline it to the main venue, where the standing-room-only crowd is treated to a concert of two whole songs!  “Everybody Needs Somebody to Love”—were truer words ever sung?—and “Sweet Home Chicago” bookend the comically truncated set list. The former gets off to a rocky start, but the rollicking rhythm, the jubilant refrain, and the corny but confident choreography all come together beautifully. The latter features a jam session of various vamping techniques that allows our title characters to slip away, but not before landing a recording contract and making off with all the cash. The only thing separating the brothers from saving the orphanage is a mere 106-mile ride.

“Ride of the Valkyries” punctuates the end of that insane (and Guinness Book of World Records-holding) 106-mile cop-car chase and pileup wherein the final drivers, two tenacious Illinois Nazis, blaze off a bridge and plummet a cartoonish distance before hitting terra firma. Wagner’s classical cameo is a perfect complement to the otherwise contemporary soundtrack.

After abandoning the Bluesmobile (which promptly implodes), Jake and Elwood hustle on foot through the ground floor of the Cook County Courthouse in a last-ditch effort to evade the authorities and get to the assessor’s office to notarize the payment in full. There is one antagonist they could not foresee—the elevator—so it is fitting that a Muzak version of “The Girl from Ipanema” plays in a seemingly eternal and pseudo-soothing loop.

While many musicals have some sort of romantic, uplifting, or happy ending as part of their formula, we can at least take solace in knowing that Jake and Elwood were not rubbed out by the rival country band, the Illinois Nazis, or the heavily armed and trigger-happy SWAT team. The movie has brought us full circle; we end up back in the Big House. The familiar rocked-up riff of “Jailhouse Rock” takes us through the end credits, where the cast and assorted musicians each get a well-deserved nod.

This retrospective would not be complete without mentioning the song most key to the plot and all its wanton destruction. The song is every bit as essential a vehicle as the Bluesmobile (may it rest in peace). This song’s inspirational force is given to us early in the movie by the aforementioned Godfather of Soul. It’s the stirring gospel number “The Old Landmark,” rebooted with James Brown’s unmistakable funk. Any number of James Brown’s hits could have worked here: “I Got You (I Feel Good),” “Get Up Off o’ That Thing,” or even the wildly-inappropriate-for-church “Sex Machine,” but “The Old Landmark,” with its many edits, dollar-store special effects, and a taut trampoline just outside of the camera shot, is the musical choice that best marks the turning point for our bespectacled heroes.

Elwood is clearly not going to save the orphanage, much less reunite the band, on his own. Without “The Old Landmark,” Jake completely lacks the impetus to act. Without Jake, the movie is over (see Blues Brothers 2000), and without the divine intervention of The Hardest Working Man in Show Business, it’s a failed mission. We are treated to an encore of James Brown during the end credits outro. The sad irony here is that eight years after the film’s release, Brown would be behind bars in an aggravated assault charge.

So if Dan Aykroyd is the Fred Astaire who spearheaded the transformation of The Blues Brothers from a few favorite tunes and some sight gags into the best comedy of 1980, that makes John Belushi his Ginger Rogers. Belushi’s Jake needs a special kind of convincing and inspiration to save the orphanage that sheltered him as a young misfit. Belushi admitted to favoring the hard rock of AC/DC over John Lee Hooker before fellow SNL member Dan Aykroyd convinced him to give the blues (and his script) a try.

At the moment when the Reverend James Brown screeches, “Hallelujah,” Jake finally sees the light! It’s less acting and more divine intervention that compels the character to glow a radioactive shade of indigo and begin doing cartwheels. This is a magical high point in the movie where the combined exuberance of the actor and character begin to blur like… like a fat man doing cartwheels.

Mike Shaeffer is a slam poet, playwright, director, and English teacher who lives in Fairbanks, AK.

By Mike Shaeffer

I was totin’ my pack along the icy frontier of Hoth, when along came a wild-eyed pistol waver a-ridin’ on his tauntaun. He said, “If you’ve heard of the Millennium Falcon, with me you can ride,” then he sliced open the tauntaun, and then I settled down inside.

He said he made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs. I told him that a parsec is not a unit of speed but a unit of distance equal to approximately three and a quarter light years, and then I looked right into his frostbit face and said, “Han, ol’ buddy… I’ve been everywhere, man.

“I’ve been everywhere, man. I’ve crossed the deserts bare, man. I’ve breathed the mountain air, man. Of travel I’ve had my share, man. I’ve been everywhere. 

“I’ve been to Narnia, Legoland, Haddonfield, Krypton, Mordor, Dagobah, Castle Rock, Vulcan, Romulus, the Wastelands, Stepford, Niflheim, Asgard, Midgard, Atlantis, Helheim, The King’s Head, Tatooine, Elm Street, Coruscant, District 13, and Mrs. Todd’s shortcut.

“I’ve been everywhere, man. I’ve been everywhere, man. I’ve crossed the deserts bare, man. I’ve breathed the mountain air, man. Of travel I’ve had my share, man. I’ve been everywhere.

“I’ve been to Alderaan, Sunnydale, Limbo, Endor, Cabot Cove, Hogsmeade, Camelot, Elsinore, Slytherin, Middlemarch, Pallet Town, Bedrock, Avalon, El Dorado, Kashyyyk, Salem’s Lot, Mayberry, Smallville, the Boondocks, Inverness, Westeros, The Crossroads, and Camp Blood—what a mess!

“I’ve been everywhere, man. I’ve been everywhere, man. I’ve crossed the deserts bare, man. I’ve breathed the mountain air, man. Of travel I’ve had my share, man. I’ve been everywhere.

“I’ve been to Neverland, Pleasantville, Metropolis, Gotham, Wolf Creek, Silent Hill, and Arkham Asylum, the Green Mile, Shawshank, Twin Peaks, Brigadoon, World’s End, Toon Town, the dark side of the moon, the Twilight Zone, the Dead Zone, the Neutral Zone, the Phantom Zone, Orbit City, Sin City, Mega City, Vice City.

“I’ve been everywhere, man. I’ve been everywhere, man. I’ve crossed the deserts bare, man. I’ve breathed the mountain air, man. Of travel I’ve had my share, man. I’ve been everywhere.

“I’ve been to Springfield, Shelbyville, The Overlook, Mustafar, Shermer, Dogpatch, Whoville, S-Mart, and Pawnee; Cloud City, Sleepy Hollow, Herland, Xanadu, Flandreau, Midian, and Wonderland; Quahog, the Holodeck, a Ceti-Alpha crater, Pandora, Derry, and Willy Wonka’s elevator!

“I’ve been everywhere, man. I’ve been everywhere, man. I’ve crossed the deserts bare, man. I’ve breathed the mountain air, man. Of travel I’ve had my share, man. I’ve been everywhere.

“And one time, just for fun, man, I made that Kessel run, man. Look right at my face, man. I used that hyperspace, man, with my X-wing over there, with a full parsec to spare.

“Yes, I’ve been everywhere!”

Mike Shaeffer is a slam poet, playwright, director, and English teacher who lives in Fairbanks, AK.

By Mike Shaeffer 

Johnny Dangerously, USA, 1984

Directed by Amy Heckerling

“I’ve been fulfilling a lot of people’s prophecies about me; I’ve become a real scumbag.” –Danny Vermin (Joe Piscopo)

In 1984, director Amy Heckerling (Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Clueless) gave us the comedy Johnny Dangerously, starring a dapper Michael Keaton, fresh off the success of Mr. Mom. Keaton’s performance in last year’s Birdman, which netted the Oscar for Best Picture, was one of his best. It was a delight revisiting his gangster persona to see just how well the actor and this gangster spoof have aged.

One of the first elements that establish this film as a gangster flick is the setting—the Lower East Side of New York City during the height of Prohibition. After a brief set-up introducing Keaton as our protagonist, we flash back to city streets filled with Studebakers, alleys ruled by an Irish mobster called Jocko Dundee, played with humor and charm by the late, great Peter Boyle (Young Frankenstein). 

After a wee visit to Johnny’s youth, we see how coming from a poor, single-parent family makes Johnny desperate to make some fast cash and help his ever-ailing mother, acted with deadpan grit by Maureen Stapleton. If Johnny wants a piece of the American Dream, he’s going to have to live dangerously. He’ll leave the law abiding to his straight-laced and sexually deprived kid brother, Tommy (Griffin Dunne), who ends up becoming the district attorney, and just like the disapproving matriarch from the original Scarface (1932), Ma Kelly does not approve of the gangster element (“With a father like ‘Killer’ Kelly, it’s a wonder neither of you turned out to be a piece o’ shit criminal!”).

The movie—especially the first half—is riddled with sight gags. Walking punch line and 80’s comedy staple Dick Butkus drives a Studebaker with the bumper sticker “I’d Rather Be Stealing,” and sexually frustrated Tommy is forced to watch an animated short called “Your Testicles and You.” Danny DeVito turns in a greasy cameo that would be echoed in the Oscar-nominated and gangster-centric L.A. Confidential (1997). DeVito’s bribery and extortion come to a close with a bright red smoking jacket. This colorful gift is given moments before an angry bull is loosed upon him. That malt liquor is lethal.

Every true gangster movie has its moll. In this case, it’s Lil, played by curvy redhead Marilu Henner. She sings, she dances, and she can dish out a quick one-liner. When Johnny asks her what they call her, she zings back “Impressive.” She is attracted to Johnny’s good looks, his arrogance, his humor, his expensive suits, and his edge—she knows he dabbles on the wrong side of the law, but that excites her.

The conflicts in the plot are numerous. Like the rival immigrant gangs that would surface in 1989’s Miller’s Crossing, Johnny Dangerously has the Irish facing off against Italian mobsters, led by the zany Roman Troy Moronie (Richard Dimitri), a mustachioed madman who, when he’s not butchering enemies with a tommy gun, butchers the English language. “Why you miserable cork-soaker!” is just one of his myriad of maligned profanities.

Johnny must also keep his dual identity a secret from his Ma and his DA kid brother, lest he end up in The Big House. There is also conflict from within his pack of hoodlums, most notably the nosy Danny Vermin. Danny is not content with the firepower and cliché of the tommy gun, so he bears a custom-made 88 Magnum that supposedly “shoots through schools.” Joe Piscopo revels as the villain among villains, turning in a performance every bit as nuanced as an .88 Magnum.

This gangster movie is a comedy, so it’s only a matter of time before our hero is found out, the law closes in, and Johnny’s love life and family are placed in jeopardy, but the only true casualty turns out to be the death of Piscopo’s acting career. I rented another Joe Piscopo movie once.

Once.

Mike Shaeffer is a slam poet, playwright, director, and English teacher who lives in Fairbanks, AK.

By Ezra Stead 

Beethoven, USA, 1992

Directed by Brian Levant

I should start this off by saying that I am not truly a dog hater. Like virtually any human being, I have been known to find dogs charming in small doses, but I would never want to live with one, so I can relate to George Newton (Charles Grodin), the hapless protagonist / antagonist of Beethoven. This would seem, at first glance, to be the ultimate dog lover’s movie, but it is arguably more enjoyable, and certainly more interesting on a subtextual level, to view it from the opposite perspective.

The film stacks the deck against we dog haters from the beginning, opening on an ominously rainy night outside the “Pet Supply” warehouse where evil Dr. Varnick (Dean Jones) conducts his nefarious experiments on innocent puppies. A prime example of this deck-stacking occurs later in the film, when it is revealed just what Dr. Varnick has in mind for poor Beethoven: a munitions manufacturer wants him to “test” a new type of exploding bullet, to see the impact it makes on “big skulls.” While it can be argued that animal testing is worthwhile because of the potential human benefits gained from it, even the most dyed-in-the-wool dog hater would find it difficult to defend the scientific expediency of shooting a dog right in the goddamn face. 

Our introduction to the primary dog hater, the long-suffering George Newton, sums up the existential nightmare that is his life. As he is distracted by the hated paperboy’s routinely poor service, the evil puppy Beethoven sneaks into George’s home and endears itself to his family. Believing little Beethoven to be a surprise present from George, his ungrateful wife, Alice (Bonnie Hunt), and three children finally show him some appreciation, taking back everything they’ve ever said about him being “cold and calculating,” in the words of Alice. This appreciation is shallow and short-lived, of course, as George makes it plain that there has been some mistake and that he has no intention of keeping the dog, and his family goes right back to their former view of him as a heartless tyrant.

George’s reasons for not wanting a dog are perfectly reasonable, and he pleads his case nobly, to no avail: “If we keep it, the house will be destroyed.” He goes on to enumerate the myriad reasons canine companionship is less than ideal: “Dogs sniff, they lick, they chew, they drool, they scratch… they have parasites.” Finally, he makes his most eloquent case, outlining the nightmarish cycle of getting a dog, training it to the point where you can finally live in peace with it, only to watch it die, and then be forced to start all over again with a new one. However, all of George’s eloquence and logic are for naught when his traitorous children throw the old “You always say we need to learn about responsibility” back in his face.

When George finally relents and agrees to keep Beethoven, insisting that it’s only until they find his rightful owner, we see a montage of Beethoven winning the undying love and devotion of George’s terrible family, while simultaneously terrorizing George himself: he pisses in George’s briefcase, drools in and hides his shoes, stands on the kitchen table to drink from the goldfish bowl, eats the Thanksgiving turkey, forces George to take long walks in the rain, ruins his suit with muddy paw prints and, finally, comes in from the rain soaking wet with dirty water, which he shakes off all over George and his ruined bedroom. The final image of the montage is a splatter of rainwater and slimy drool covering a family portrait on the bedside table, a perfect symbol of the idyllic family life Beethoven is eagerly destroying at every opportunity.

This montage also shows glimpses of the comically large amounts of food Beethoven requires, hinting at the astronomical financial burden incurred in order to keep this “wonderful” new addition to the family. Financial difficulties hover over the entire movie, but only George seems concerned about them. Alice, the only other presumably responsible adult in the family, continually shows resentment for George’s all-consuming focus on work, ignoring the fact that the family’s survival depends on that very work.

In the following scene, George attempts to express his financial worries to his uncaring family at the breakfast table, only to be interrupted by a far more pressing concern: “Beethoven wants you to scratch his head, Daddy.” While George’s pathetic ingrate of a son hits him up for money for karate lessons, Beethoven sneaks a piece of bacon from George’s plate and, when George gets angry about it, his awful children yell at him as if he’s the bad guy. The beast is literally stealing food from his plate, and he’s just supposed to grin and bear it.

In the melee to try and get his bacon back, George has his hands and pants slimed by Beethoven’s incessant drooling, and is predictably given absolutely no sympathy from his family. His unheeded cry of “He’s slimy!” is one of despair, a plea for reason from a man in disbelief that his family loves this disgusting monster that is steadily ruining everything he holds dear. While he goes to change his pants, already behind schedule for an important meeting, Beethoven is no doubt being rewarded with the remainder of his breakfast. As George finally pulls out of his driveway, in a new suit untarnished by the vile secretions of the hideous canine interloper, Alice “accidentally” sprays him with the garden hose through his open car window, one of many hints throughout the movie that George’s family was already enough of an impediment to his sanity and well-being even before Beethoven came along.

George’s potential business partners, Brad (David Duchovny) and Brie (Patricia Heaton), are a couple portrayed as horrible people because they’re the types who chose successful careers over the “blessings” of children and pets, further enforcing the film’s warped sense of family values over self-sufficiency and hard work for the greater good of the self. I found myself actually liking and relating to these characters, especially when George’s children ask them if they have kids and they respond by laughing right in their putrid little faces. It’s clear that they’re meant to seem sleazy and shallow, but all I could see was how hateful and judgmental Beethoven and the kids appeared, just sitting there silently judging their guests for their obviously superior lifestyle, free of the dirt and stench of children and pets.

In the aftermath of Beethoven ruining a lucrative financial deal George had been arranging with Brad and Brie (who are, of course, planning to rip him off because the script is rigged in favor of George’s family and their beloved monster-dog), George attempts to really open up to Alice (“I really don’t like our dog”), but she only snipes back about her distrust of Brad and Brie, who George has notably not invited to live with them rent-free. George is expressing his existential dilemma to her – this dog has ruined his life! – but she blows it off to gripe once again about the way George makes his living and provides for the family. This infuriating harpy refuses to go back to work and help out financially, yet she resents George for working hard to provide a better life for her and the kids.

“Everything was fine before Beethoven came into our lives,” George says during this argument, but it seems like something of which he is trying to convince himself. How fine was everything before Beethoven, really? If George’s wife and kids so readily throw him over in favor of the first smelly, slimy, disgusting canine that comes along, how good could their family life really have been up to that point? Perhaps George is, at heart, similar to Robert Dupea (Jack Nicholson) in Five Easy Pieces, a lifelong loner desperate to cut his ties and escape the soul-crushing banality of his horrible family; in a different type of film, the arrival of Beethoven could have been the final straw that forced him to take a stand and cast off his shackles.

Alas, this is not that film, but the kids see the signs and, afraid that Daddy just might snap and kill the hated dog (and/or maybe themselves and Mommy, the true tormentors he’s been forced to endure for so long), they step up to the plate and try to ease George’s burden by feeding and bathing the horrid beast. These are, of course, the chores they had agreed to as a condition of keeping Beethoven in the first place, and they were supposed to be keeping up with these duties all along, but George is a kind and patient man, and he shows appreciation for their pitiful efforts.

George even manages to come to a sort of understanding with the foul beast, who is now fenced in at night in the backyard… or so he thinks. Of course, Beethoven only sneaks out of his rightful imprisonment like the vicious cur that he is. In this particular case of Beethoven wantonly flouting the ancient roles of dog and man, he cuddles up in bed with George, who, exhausted from the constant demands of family and dog, believes it is Alice nuzzling him from behind. George begins to be physically aroused, ramping up the surreal nightmare that his life has now become. The dog practically rapes him in his own bed!

Poor George’s family remains oblivious to the unending horror he is forced to endure, and they refuse to accept the threat to his sanity posed by the unwanted guest. They win out over George’s better judgment once again when they successfully make a case for Beethoven being allowed to roam the yard and house freely. This comes as a result of one extremely terrible babysitter who nearly allows the youngest child to drown before Beethoven comes to the rescue, yet another case of the movie stacking the deck of audience empathy in Beethoven’s favor. This is a desperate attempt by the screenwriters, John Hughes (under the pseudonym “Edmond Dantes”) and Amy Holden Jones, to appeal to the dog-loving crowd their film seeks to attract. It shows a cynical brilliance on their part that George is both the protagonist and antagonist of the film, and the events are carefully orchestrated to punish George for not embracing Beethoven and his parasitic kind.

In the midst of all the apathy, contempt, and outright insubordination he receives from his family, is it any wonder George finds something of a kindred spirit in the evil Dr. Varnick? When Varnick visits George’s home posing as a veterinarian and asks him, “Have you noticed anything strange about your dog lately?” George immediately confides in him: “He’s destroyed my life! I wish I was kidding.” It’s as if the words have just been waiting for a sympathetic ear. One can almost imagine Beethoven as a prequel to itself, with George as a younger version of Dr. Varnick, a once happy man driven to the depths of depravity by the unforgiving curse of the worst pet the world has ever known.

Dr. Varnick grants George’s unspoken wish to be rid of Beethoven with a scheme to acquire the dog for himself by pretending to suffer an attack, thus branding Beethoven as violent and dangerous. Unfortunately, poor George can’t even enjoy the reprieve, because his worthless, ungrateful family manages to blame him even for this, when all evidence points to it being Beethoven’s own fault. George finds his family huddled together in the living room, crying over the removal of their beloved pest from the house, leaving George on the outside. His youngest child laments, “Daddy hates Beethoven! He’s always hated Beethoven!” What can George do? It’s true, he has always hated Beethoven, but only as any sane, rational man with even the slightest appreciation for his own quality of life would. In what should be his moment of triumph at finally ridding himself of the demonic beast, the long-suffering George only finds more grief. His perfectly understandable hatred of the monster that has ruined his life is tearing his family apart!

As if all this weren’t enough, a pivotal plot point is introduced when George takes Beethoven to the pound for extermination: they say they have to hold the dog overnight before it is scheduled to be euthanized in the morning and so… wait for it… they charge George a boarding fee! Even when the end of his nightmare seems to be in sight, he’s still getting financially soaked one last time, and then he gets home just in time to hear his youngest brat call him a “dog-killer” through a mouth full of crocodile tears. What did this fine, honorable man ever do to deserve such a horrible life?

Up to this point, we have only seen George’s family show him any appreciation once, near the beginning of the film, when they mistakenly believe he has gotten them a puppy. It is only in the film’s third act that we see this insincere, fair-weather respect again, when George goes against his better nature and knocks out Dr. Varnick. The kids are duly impressed with their dad’s misplaced bravado, and even Alice, who has apparently been withholding her affections for so long George can be excited by a dog nuzzling him, says, “Really, hon, I’ve never found you more attractive.” Apparently, what this nagging shrew really wants is for George to quit his job in order to spend more time with the all-important family, then when they’re all homeless and living on the streets, she can get turned on watching him fight the other bums for old pizza crusts.

George finally gets a full redemption in the eyes of his ungrateful family when he helps them free the kidnapped stray dogs from Dr. Varnick’s warehouse. George can only achieve this dubious redemption by completely abandoning all his cherished principles and “temporarily” adopting a few dozen more dogs. Judging by the tenure of Beethoven’s own “temporary” adoption, George’s nightmare has only just begun.

In the aftermath of the great canine prison escape, a TV reporter puts George on the spot, and Grodin’s stellar performance betrays the insincerity behind George’s every response. “Beethoven isn’t just some dog who wandered in off the street,” he says, but this is exactly what Beethoven is, and George knows it better than anyone. “Have you always been a dog lover?” the reporter asks, and George takes a long moment to consider the question. In this long pause, the soul-crushing weight of George’s endless suffering can be clearly read on his face. Finally, he heroically pushes back all that hurt and rage to reply, “Maybe not as much as now.”

The final shot of Beethoven illustrates the ultimate dog hater’s nightmare, as George goes to sleep surrounded by the literally dozens of dogs with whom he is now forced to share his hard-earned home. This is what he must endure for the love and appreciation of his family, and the preceding scene, described above, is only the third (and final) time this ersatz appreciation is displayed, as George’s family beams at him while watching his patently insincere profession of love for dogs. For those of us who don’t quite get the nearly universal appeal of canine companionship, Beethoven is easily the darkest movie in the 1990s family film canon.

Ezra Stead is the Head Editor for MoviesIDidn’tGet.com. Ezra is also a screenwriter, actor, filmmaker, rapper, and occasional stand-up comic who has been previously published in print and online, as well as writing, directing and acting in numerous short films and two features. A Minneapolis native, Ezra currently lives in New York City, where he is working on his first novel.

For more information, please contact EzraStead@MoviesIDidntGet.com

By Mike Shaeffer 

Chappie, USA / Mexico, 2015

Directed by Neill Blomkamp

“People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf.” ― George Orwell

In his 2009 feature-film debut, South African director Neill Blomkamp gave us the science fiction gem that is District 9, a stirring, gritty, and visually stunning allegory for how apartheid divided his home country. Blomkamp’s most recent foray into the science fiction genre, CHAPPiE, reflects one of society’s growing fears—the fear of a police force that has been granted greater technology, power, and room for corruption. With victims’ names like Michael Brown, Trayvon Martin, John Crawford, and Jordan Davis making the headlines this past year, movies like CHAPPiE provide not only some intense escapism, but also a chilling look at what the day after tomorrow could bring if technology and power is placed in the hands of a corrupt and desperate police force. 

While the urban struggle of CHAPPiE could easily be set in L.A., New York, or even Ferguson, CHAPPiE is set in the grimy underworld of Blomkamp’s backyard—Johannesburg. Dev Patel (Slumdog Millionaire, HBO’s The Newsroom) plays computer programmer Deon Wilson—the Dr. Frankenstein to the recently conscious and curious creature that is CHAPPiE. Unlike Frankenstein, however, Deon is a much more nurturing parent, entreating his titanium-enforced newborn that he should never let anyone tell him that he can’t do something. The AI promises his maker that he will never break the law to serve his own needs and desires. As the former police robot learns to speak, to shoot, and to sass, the audience is treated to one of the best non-human character arcs since Lance Henriksen’s Bishop in Aliens (1986). This tin man conveys personality, vulnerability, and—much like Rutger Hauer’s Roy Baty in Blade Runner (1982)—a burning desire to live beyond his battery life.

The cast is rounded out by Hugh Jackman, taking a turn as a villainous, ex-military weapons designer (for fans of the X-Men franchise, this film may be the closest opportunity to see Wolverine clobbered by a colossus). Sigourney Weaver (is there any stronger go-to actress in the genre of science fiction than Miss Weaver?) turns in another fine performance that echoes the disdain Lieutenant Ripley had for androids in Ridley Scott’s Alien (1979). Real-life musical misfits Ninja and Yo-landi—members of the electronica/rap outfit Die Antwoord—play hyper-realized gangster versions of their musical personas, and even lend a song or two to propel the film’s action sequences. A good friend pointed out that Blomkamp staple Sharlto Copley was notably absent from this film. Fans may recall Copley as the infected protagonist Wikus Van De Merwe from District 9 or as the wicked rogue assassin Kruger from 2013’s Elysium (another sci-fi romp helmed by Blomkamp). I politely pointed out that Copley is indeed in CHAPPiE, lending his distinct and expressive voice to the title character.

One could argue that the real societal fear being portrayed in CHAPPiE is an AI anxiety—a phobia of machines developing consciousness and over-powering their shortsighted creators. However, the film is much less The Terminator (1984) or I, Robot (2004) and much more RoboCop (1987) or Judge Dredd (1995). These latter two films have enjoyed reboots in the last few years, reflecting the growing (trending?) fear of a too-powerful, almost omnipotent police force. During the climactic battle, the MOOSE weaponry sent to destroy CHAPPiE looks like a cut and paste from the clunky behemoth sent to dispatch Peter Weller in the original RoboCop. Just before I was about to cry, “Foul!” however, Blomkamp made his upgrade fly!

The Day the Earth Stood Still (1956)—released at the height of the Red Scare and a few years after McCarthyism–reflected the American concern over the arms race, Russia as a nuclear threat, and the seeming inevitability of World War III. Blade Runner showed how pollution, urbanization, and the abuse of technology would corrupt a not-too-distant Los Angeles. Like the overlooked Arnold Schwarzenegger movie The 6th Day (2000), the superior Moon (2009) reflects the fear of cloning and—to a lesser extent—how we are expending our planet’s resources. CHAPPiE continues the science fiction tradition by capturing a legitimate societal fear—specifically the fear of a violent and uncontrollable police force—and portraying a just-around-the-corner dystopia where mankind’s evolution has led to suffering, chaos, and injustice. Regarding other science fiction films that delve specifically into a futuristic authority, CHAPPiE is less campy than Demolition Man (1995) and not as stylized and haunting as Equilibrium (2002). Fans who are hoping to see a film about the perils of trusting artificial intelligence will find these two hours less cryptic and graceful than 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968) but far more adrenalin-inducing than Her (2013).

Until CNN stops featuring headlines like “War Gear Flows to Police Departments,” and quiet little cities like Neenah, Wisconsin (pop. 25,000) stop getting MRAPs (mine-resistant ambush-protected armored vehicles), films like CHAPPiE will continue to strike a nerve and reach a devoted, interested, and concerned audience. My hope is that the actual future of law-enforcement technology is closer to Johnny Five from Short Circuit (1986) than to Blomkamp’s bleak but solidly entertaining vision.

Mike Shaeffer is a slam poet, playwright, director, and English teacher who lives in Fairbanks, AK.